From the Files of Agents Cole and Beaton: Eleniel

[twistdfateangel.livejournal.com]

[...bip...]

 

"Mmph, no," muttered Branwen. She rolled over and mashed a pillow over her ears.

 

[Bip.]

 

"Nooo," whined Branwen, "Go 'way." Consciousness was overrated. She squeezed her eyes shut harder and tried to sleep on.

 

[Beep!]

 

"'Phia! Make it shut up!"

 

[BEEP!]

 

"So-PHIA!" Branwen's partner and roomie, Sophia, snored on with gusto in her hammock, a bare, lurid urple-toenailed foot dangling out.

 

[BEEEEEEEEEEEP! For the love of all that's sacred, woman, BEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]

 

"OKAY already! Sweet Madonna of the Streets!" Branwen rolled off of her couch and staggered to the console. As she passed, she pegged her pillow at Sophia.

She cursed Mary Sues. She cursed Badfic. She cursed the Flowers. Branwen wanted to pretend she was in San Juan, on a white sandy beach with water so clear and blue you could count fish as they swam past your ankles! And the orchids! She'd have orchids behind her ear and a hot cabana boy named Arturo who bore a striking resemblance to Imhotep serving her mock-tails with names like, oh, Grace O'Malley's Revenge or something!

 

Text scrolled past on the screen and Branwen choked. "Sophia, you're not gonna believe this..."

 

"Mmph?" Sophia sat up and fell from her hammock with a resounding thud. "Ouch! Damn! What now?"

 

"It's bad, real bad," Branwen said, "Half-elven Daughter of Legolas. Mom was a barmaid. Nazgul working for Saruman. It's the worst sort of--Oh, my sweet auntie!"

 

"What?!" Sophia tried press in close.

 

Branwen planted a bony elbow in Sophia's stomach. "Go read your own damn screen!"

 

Sophia squinted at her own screen and shuddered. "'Remember this is Fiction and it is BASED on the books and/or movie and the origional charcters will not act the same because they are Tolkens creation not mine so i do not know what he had in mind for the creation of each individual character but my own.' Sweet Eru."

 

"Could be worse," sighed Branwen, "could be 'Laura' or 'Sary'!"

 

"Bite your tongue. She can't even decide if she wants book or movie-verse AND her characterization is...There isn't a word invented yet to describe how totally...whatever it is, but it IS that way, to the nth degree!"

 

"Decaf, Sophia, decaf." Branwen began punching in coordinates. "I suggest we bypass that filth that is an intro and pop into 'Isengaurd'. And this mission may require elves, due to the amount of time we're going to be spending in Rivendell."

 

"Elves? Oh, filth!" Sophia snapped her fingers disgustedly, "I wanted to be short!"

 

Branwen rolled her eyes. Sophia had an odd obsession with being short, as well as with Lovecraftian horrors. She seemed to think Cthulhu was...Branwen shuddered at the thought...cute. She had talked Agent Breyer and Agent Beetle down in Deus Ex Machina into building an aquarium for the office on the off-chance she should find some Elder-God-Spawn needing a good home. It was enough to make a grown woman slightly nauseous. Not to mention the fact that her usual sweet demeanor hid a bitter literary fury of Titanic proportions.

 

"Coo-ee! Brannie?" Sophia waved a hand in front of Branwen's face. "'We goin'?"

 

"Yeah, yeah, let's motor."

 

*

 

The portal spat out two rather plain elves. One was rather sallow and wore a black, safety cone orange and reflector tape silver dress. She also carried a pack labeled "Property of the PPC, Do Not Dye Pink". She was cursing softly about the fact that AM and PM wouldn't have been used in frelling MIddle Earth. Her grumbles were silenced as a second elf with stringy hair (in respectable black and silver but toting a gun labeled "Daisy. Warning: GOOP for LOTR, DO NOT LOSE") was dropped on her head.

 

"What is it with Thranduil being a bigoted tyrant?" asked Branwen as she helped Sophia up, "Why wouldn't he like his grandbabies?   Apart from them being Sues, I mean."

 

"'Remember this is Fiction and it is BASED on the books and/or movie and the origional charcters will not act the same because they are Tolkens creation not mine so i do not know what he had in mind for the creation of each individual character but my own.'" Sophia dusted off her ridiculous dress proudly and reached into the bag for her Character Analysis Device.

 

"Excuses, excuses!" muttered Branwen, "Twit."

 

Saruman the white stood there pacing around the room as one of his uruk-hai entered.

 

"Lack...of...proper…capitalization..." muttered Sophia as she wrote down the charge, "Sweet Mother of Fangirls, we haven't been here ten seconds!"

 

"You are late" he growled and raised his hand, the creature flew across the room and slammed into the wall it growled as it stood up.

 

The typo created a snarling maw at the Agents' elbow. Sophia kissed it and cooed a tender "oosagooboyden".

 

"I have a job for you, I have been informed by the master that a child was born with powers that will be a danger to us, I want you to find that child and either bring her to me alive and unharmed but if you can not bring her then kill her."

 

"Whatever happened to just killing it?" asked Branwen of no-one in particular. She dug out the Bleeprin from the pack and dumped out six, before knocking them back and struggling to swallow them dry.

 

"We don't all have Jayne-brain, Brannie, dear," said Sophia, as she aimed her Character Analysis Device at Saruman, "Though I'm beginning to think the Evil Overlord List needs to be Standard Issue."

 

[Saruman the White. Maiar. Wizard. Canon Character. Out of Character 59.72%]

 

Three nazgul entered the room. Branwen choked on her Bleeprin. Sophia cringed and reached for "Daisy" to prevent any unfortunate accidents. Branwen slapped her hand away.

 

"I'm good," Branwen said through gritted teeth, "I can handle it. I'm shiny. I'm cool. I'm so shiny, you can see me from Pluto!"

 

"They will lead you to her, remember sheis just coming into her power and will not have complete control over it yet it would be best to give her this, it is a poison, I don't know how it will react with her powers, it will either enhance them or hold them back. If she grows beyond your control then find a way to hold her between death and life" the nazgul and uruk-hai exited the room.

 

"What the fuh--when did the gorram Naz-gul get ruttin' 'Sue senses?" Branwen had begun to twitch. Her hand inched towards Daisy.

 

"The same place Aragorn got clumsy and the 'Sue learned to fly," sighed Sophia,

"Now, breathe deep, calm down. Keep this up and they'll have you on dried frog pills before you can say 'hedgehog'. Let's get out of here before you shoot something expensive."

 

Sophia set the Remote Activator for Rivendell and handed it to Branwen. While her hands were occupied, Sophia gently took Daisy from Branwen's belt and tucked it away.

 

"Thanks," sighed Branwen, "I'm not sure if I can contain myself much longer."

 

"Try," Sophia growled.

 

They stepped through the portal into Rivendell. The 'Sue was still a good distance away, though the sky was red, due to the 'Sue's nearby home village being burned to the ground.

 

Branwen smiled wistfully. "A non-canon village being burned to the ground for us! And me without the marshmallows!" She settled behind a pillar and grinned.

 

"Branwen Michelle Beaton!" Sophia gasped in shock.

 

"Whaaaat? I'm just sayin', we could be here a while and I'm hungry!"

 

"Then eat a frelling Luna bar!" Sophia's usual calm had been damaged by the 'Sue's growing power base. Flight was disturbing enough, but according to the text, the Author was gearing up to make another Jean Grey out of the child. She began to fish out cd players, a card deck and Luna bars.

 

"Trade you Regina Spektor for the Narnia soundtrack," said Branwen, holding up a CD.

 

"Deal." Sophia traded off the CDs and began shuffling cards. "Y'know, the Waterlily might think of this as a vacation."

 

"Then the Waterlily can kiss my ass," Branwen mumbled around a mouthful of Luna bar, "We can enjoy ourselves and kick some 'Sue ass at the same time. Now, deal."

  

* 

 

Seven games of Egyptian Ratscrew, two CD changes, and three Luna Bars later, Branwen looked up and spotted Arwen carrying Frodo and the 'Sue, who kept changing heights. Her trigger finger itched, but Sophia was resting her back against the pack, meaning she couldn't get to Daisy.

 

"They're heeeere!" hissed Branwen, ala Poltergeist. Sophia hopped to her feet and shoved everything back into the bag, which she kicked behind a curtain. After a second's thought, she grabbed the Character Analysis Device, charge notepad, and her CD player.

 

The two elf-maid-agents waited for Arwen to pass before sneaking along behind her. Sophia was clearly forcing herself to stay focused against the urge to ogle the scenery. Branwen had to admit, as she passed a group of young male elves, the scenery was fantastic.

 

The architecture was probably pretty cool, too.

 

As Arwen dashed through a door, the agents were knocked backwards by a booming "author's note" voice. They tried to cover their ears but it was no use. They were both deafened.

 

"ALRIGHT," it screamed, "I KNOW THIS CH IS PROBABLY FULL OF MISTAKES AND IS NOT VERY GOOD BUT IT IS 3:35 AM AND I AM TIRED. I AM NOT THINKING VERY WELL BUT I COULN'T SLEEP BECAUSE I MADE MY DAD MAD AGAIN AND HE , WELL THAT'S REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. SO READ AND REVIEW!"

 

"Tien-na!" swore Branwen, "Angst within an author's note?"

 

"What?" yelled Sophia, "Are my ears bleeding?"

 

"What?!"

 

"What?!"

 

Then there was the sensation of falling through a chapter of nothing but author's notes and empty flat gray space.

 

"I AM VERY VERY VERY SORRY THAT I HAVE NOT UPDATED," the author's note wailed.

 

"So are we!" whimpered Sophia. She could handle everything but the falling. Next fic, she intended to pack parachutes and definitely Glopsnerch.

 

"I AM CURRENTLY STUDYING/WORKING ON:

HISTORY FINAL 5-31-06

ALG2/GEOM FINAL5-31—6-2-06

PSYCHLOLGY FINAL currently unknown, (very annoying he hasn't told us when it is only that we will have one before the last day of school)

HEALTH PROJ 5-30-06

PSYCHOLOGY5-30-06

(5 pg paper!

On out chosen disorder)

I've been kind of busty especially when you add all of that to a normal school load."

 

Branwen cringed at the thought of an author's note with term papers in hand and an enormous bosom.

 

"MY LAST DAY OF SCHOOL IS 6-9-06!

AFTER ALL OF MY FINALS ARE DONE I WILL UPDATE

AND ON THE 9TH EXPECT A 2CH UPDATE!1"

 

Silence fell at last.

 

"Well, thank the Valar that's over!" Sophia wiggled her pinky in her ear. "It's like being with Noriega at--!"

"I LIED I LIED I AM SO SORRY THAT I LIED," the Author's note began again.

"Sweet Eru, will it never end?" Sophia covered her ears again.

"THINGS GOT OUT OF HAND AT HOME AND I RAN OUT OF TIME BEFORE I LEFT FOR NJ, WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW."

"She's DONE with the angst now! Right, 'Phia?" Branwen whimpered

WHAM! The ground rushed up to greet them in a very clichéd way.

 

"Yep," said Sophia breathlessly, "Done with the angst. For now, anyway." She sat up and groaned.

 

The Sue lay stretched on a bed in a room that bore a striking resemblance to an empty response center; flat, gray, and attempting to look fancy and sumptuous.

 

"Charge the cow with taking the place of Frodo," Branwen snarled.

 

"Well, of course," Sophia said, her face twisting into a sneer, "Frodo can't bloody well tweak the laws of physics!"

 

"And you say I need dried frog pills?"

 

Sophia stopped herself, counted backwards from ten in French and took a deep breath. "Sorry, Brannie, but this sort of thing REALLY irks me!"

 

"Then maybe I shouldn't tell you what I just found out."

 

"…What?"

 

"Naaaaah! You'll steal Daisy and blow the Sue to pieces and--!"

 

"What did you find out, Branwen?"

 

"You sure you wanna know?"

 

"Branwen Michelle Beaton, you are ACHING to be sacrificed to a Lovecraftian horror!"

 

"She's got a horse."

 

Sophia began winding up for another threat and came to a screeching mental halt. "She what?"

 

"Named Cloud."

 

"Oh, really?" In the same tones have the words "blessings be upon this house" been said by witches of Lancre. "We'll see about that!" She turned, her usual blissful and plump face fixed in a chilly scowl.

Eleniel slowly opened her eyes, "Welcome to Rivendell child", she looked up into a kind stern face, "I am Lord Elrond, Eleniel, how are you feeling" he said kindly and gracefully sat down on the chair next to her bed.

Branwen aimed the CAD at Elrond.

[Elrond Half-Elven. Lord of Rivendell. Canon. Out of Character 69.71%]

"Frodo! Where's Frodo? Is he ok?" she nearly shouted trying to get out of bed.

"Frodo is on the mend, in the next room, he has not awoken yet but should soon your hobbit friends are in the dinning hall emptying Rivendell of any crumb of food" she opened her mouth to ask something but before she even said anything Elrond answered her questions.

At this feat of telepathy, the CAD beeped.

[Make that 69.83%]

"This is getting unbearable, Sophia," said Branwen.

"Hang in there!" Sophia said grimly, "The Sue's going down soon enough. It's all about the charges, now. Think of it as a game. How many things can we bust the Sue on?"

"How old do you think I am?!" Branwen cried indignantly. Then the concept clicked. Sophia grinned like a Jolly Roger.

"Round one," she purred, "Score: nine charges."

*

"…And the apprenticeship makes twelve," said Branwen, "What's next?"

"What else? The obligatory Council scene," replied Sophia

"Shiny," Branwen giggled wickedly and rubbed her hands together.

The two had gone back to the pack and moved everything nearer to the where the Council would take place. They'd spent the night there, watching the text and discussing methods of execution. Sophia favored a Shelob feeding or a hop over to a PotC fic to toss her at the kraken. Branwen wanted to use her for target practice.

"Polish your baby, Brannie, dear," said Sophia sweetly, "Can't have it blowing up on the job!" She herself was dabbing a neurotoxin of the most powerful variety she could obtain on the point of an arrow with a Q-tip. She wasn't about to be outdone by an ex-Sue with a gun like an artillery cannon and the social skills of a rabid badger. Canon characters were filing to their seats, including Eleniel the Sue, in a bell-sleeved silvery-purple tunic and green leggings that looked suspiciously like bootcut jeans. The tunic's color contradiction made the agents' eyes ache.

Eleniel sat still and watched as her father sat on the opposite side to the horse shoe with his fellow elves from Mirkwood.

Elrond rose and walked foreword, " Strangers from distant lands, friends of old you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction, you will unite or you will fail. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring fourth the ring, Frodo Baggins."

"Typo, typo, typo, typo, typo, typo, typo, typo, Mary-Sue! Mary-Sue!" chanted Sophia to the tune of "Badger, Mushroom, Snake."

Frodo tentatively stood and walked slowly towards the stone pillar in the center, he held out his hand and placed the ring on the pillar, it seemed like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders but a great struggle inside began as soon as that ring left his small hand.

Everyone began whispering hurridly, "Gandalf, why is that ring so important? It's just a small piece of metal."

"And the Battle of Serenity Valley was a little sad," growled Branwen sarcastically, "Grow up, sister!"

Eleniel glanced around the circle and saw one of the men mutter something then Strider gave him a worried/angry/curious glance, one of those 'I'm watchin you bub' glances.

Strider flickered into the form of Wolverine from the X-Men and back to Strider

Then that man began to stand, "It is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor, why not use this ring?

Long has my father, the steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay, by the blood of my people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy, let us use it against him." He just looked so proud of himself for thinking up this oh so original plan.

Then Strider opened his mouth and spoiled it, "You cannot wield it, none of us can. The one ring answers to Sauron alone, it has no other master"

And the jerk man said "And what would a mere ranger know of this matter?"

"This is no mere ranger, he is Aragorn son of Arathorn you owe him your allegance" Legolas stood angrily and defended him.

"Aragorn? This is Isuldors heir?"

"and heir to the throne of Gondor." Legolas remained standing trying to stare the man down.

Then Aragorn told him something in elvish and he sat.

Then once again the jerk guy was muttering but this time it was very loud.

Gandalf decided to join in and continue the council, "Aragorn is right, we cannot use it."

"You have only one choice, the ring must be destroyed" Elrond seated himself calmly.

"Then what are we waiting for!" roared one of the dwarfs, he ran towards the ring with his axe hefted in the air then brought it down hard but it was smashed. A shock wave rattled the seating area, Eleniel closed her eyes and concentrated.

She cupped her hands, "If weapons won't smash it then fire can melt it" she muttered.

Gandalf eyes widened and he turned swiftly to stop her but she had already left her seat and sent a ball of orange and blue fire at it. As soon as the flame enveloped the ring it stopped and was shot back at her.

She gasped, "SHIT!"

"Concentrate girl" Gandalf roared at her.

The ball of flame enveloped her, the people behind her shielded themselves with their harms from the heat. Then the fire faded and she was sitting on the ground breathing hard with smoke rising from her clothes but not a single molecule was burned.

"Snarking…at…Boromir," Sophia said slowly, "that's thirteen. And, oh dear, dropping a modern curse bomb. Along with an appalling lack of color sense. Fourteen and fifteen. Orange and blue fire? Why Broncos colors?"

"Because she could?" Branwen hazarded.

"Eleniel, Elenie, are you hurt?" Legolas asked worriedly cradling her face between his hands and looking her over for any possible injury.

"I'm fine ada, I'm not hurt." She muttered opening her eyes.

"Damn lucky you foolish child, we will discuss this later" Gandalf said angrily.

"Dee dee dee!" said Branwen in a passable impression of Carlos Mencia, "I think that's the first intelligent thing Gandalf's said all fic!

 "The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin and Eleniel daughter of Legolas, by any weapon or magic that we here posses," Elrond said pointedly looking at both of them, "It must be taken back into Mordor and be cast back into the firey chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this"

"One must not simply walk into Mordor…" that was when Eleniel dosed off but was re awakened later by shouting. What did the dwarf say!

"Oh, no, she *didn't* just fall asleep in Council." Sophia's voice was dangerously low. Her peaceful expression of indulgent amusement slowly turned to frigid rage. Branwen merely finished reassembling Daisy and loaded up.

"Hey shortie!" she jumped up with the rest of the elves, "Whats wrong with being an elf!" and she joined in the fight between the dwarves and the elves. She could hear Gandalf yelling at them from behind her, something about you will all be destroyed then among all of the yelling a small voice could be heard, some one was saying they would take the ring.

Branwen inched away from Sophia, who was now trembling with fury. Dried frog pills were clearly in order for someone.

Frodo was venturing away from the safety of his seat, "I will take the ring to Mordor, but I do not know the way" he said timidly looking at all of the faces looking down at him.

Gandalf smiled like a proud grandfather, "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it is your to bear"

"Well buddy, I came with you all the way from Bree and after those wraiths I'm not about to let you out of my sight just yet, my powers are yours to command me little hobbit sir" she hopped up and bowed giving him a goofy grin making him laugh and causing the rest of them to chuckle except of Legolas.

"By my life or death I can protect you, you have my sword"

"and you have my bow"

"and my axe"

(if I have to put names down next to every little thing you need to watch the movie or read the book or something)

Sophia had begun to mutter in a dialect of English that was decidedly Southern Ghetto, a sure sign that she was no longer in "her happy-Zen place." The words "ten", "moron", "symbology" and "book" were repeated several times, along with the phrase, "spinning in his grave."

Boromir stepped forward, "You carry the fate of us al little one, if this is indeed the will of the council then Gondor will see it done"

"Oh joy" Eleniel muttered earning a jab in the ribs from her father and a dangerous look that said 'we will talk about your decision later, in private.'

"Here! Mr. Frodo isn't going anywhere without me" Sam shouted shooting out of the bushes and standing stubbornly next to Frodo with is arms crossed in front of him.

"Seeing as it is hardly possible to separate you when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not" Elrond stated with how surprising voice.

"Oi! Were coming too, you'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us" Merry shouted running out from behind a pillar with Pippin trailing him.

"Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this fashion, quest….thing"

"Well that rules you out pip" Merry stated rather bluntly causing most to smirk and one rather loud suppressed snort from the only girl which brought about some odd looks.

"ten companions" said Elrond musingly, "So be it, you shall be the fellowship of the ring."

"Easy, 'Phia, just a few more seconds," Branwen clucked, "It's okay…" A snort and the sound of a bow being drawn was all she heard.

"Great, where are we going?"

LITTLE EXTRA, BUT DON'T TAKE IT SEROUSLY

"Oh wonderful, a jerk and an idiot"

"He's not an idiot, you shouldn't be so judgmental Eleniel"

"Really then watch, Pippin look mushrooms!"

"WHERE!" the hobbit flings himself to the ground

"Oh, NO, you didn't!"

 

An arrow cut through the Council and struck Eleniel in the chest. As heads turned and weapons were drawn, a rather fat, luridly-dressed and angry elf maid came charging in among them, followed by another one with stringy hair and an object in her hands that no-one recognized.

 

Due to her impossible amounts of power, the poison had not harmed Eleniel, but the arrow had hit its mark. In true Sueish fashion, she refused to die, which Sophia had been expecting. She sat down heavily and held her hands up in a futile defensive maneuver.

 

"Eleniel Meadowbrook Greenleaf," she bellowed, "you are charged with improbable feats of magic, changing the geography of Middle Earth to fit your genetic needs, making the Naz-gul and Uruk-hai a bunch of pathetic go-fers, totally mucking with the characters of Thranduil, Legolas, the Hobbits, Elrond, Saruman, Aragorn, Arwen, Frodo, Gandalf, and Glorfindel—G-L-O-R-F-I-N-D-E-L, Glorfin-DEL, f'r Chrissake!-- having grasp of skills no barmaid's child would have, making yourself the apprentice of a MAIAR, typos of depressing variety and quantity, inappropriate angsting in author's notes that you hardly try to distinguish from the real text or even edit, antagonizing Boromir, the color sense of a drunk dog, and, take it on home, Brannie!"

 

"Being a ruttin' SUE!" Branwen grinned madly and took aim, "Any last words?" The Sue was now nose to muzzle with Daisy. She squeaked and tears sprang to her eyes.

 

"But, but, my dad—no, I can't tell you—it's too awful!" She began, as hidden violins began to play.

 

THWACK! Branwen pistol-whipped Eleniel to shut her up. "Sayonara, Fluffy!" She chuckled and took aim.

 

"Wait!" Sophia threw herself, Pocahontas-style, in between Eleniel and Branwen, "Don't shoot!" She seemed to have calmed down after that tirade.

 

"Aw, for the love of—WHAT?"

 

"I have a better idea," she said, "just trust me. Hog-tie her and put Daisy away."

 

"You…You wouldn't dare!" Eleniel wept, "My author will save me!"

 

"Actually…" Branwen skimmed forward on the text.

Something really shity happened to my family at 9:30 am this morning.

Now I am desperate to get a job or two because if i don't get a job my family will end up on the streets.

I don't know when i will be able to update or even if i will ever be able to update again.

You guys were wonderful readers and thankyou for all of your reviews,

Good-bye

Elizabeth

"See," said Branwen pensively, "Now I kinda feel bad for the poor kid. Now, shut yer pie-hole and take it like a Damsel." With that, she stuffed a rag in Eleniel's mouth, tied her up and tossed her over her shoulder.

 

Sophia was ready with the Neuralizer. She donned her sunglasses and set it off. There was a flash that left the Council blinking and slack jawed.

 

"There was never anybody here named Eleniel," Sophia announced, "Legolas, you were never married and have never known anyone named Anna Meadowbrook. Gandalf, you don't have an apprentice. ELENIEL DOES NOT EXIST. And you never saw a pair of Elf Babes. You don't know what a gun is, either, because they don't exist. You're going to do the Council again and get the numbers right. NINE, not ten! Naturally Nine, folks!"

 

By the time the Council was called to order again, the only sign of any disturbance was a single drop of pink and glittery blood, which was washed away by the next rainstorm.

 

*

 

Cloud was munching in a nosebag in the stable, waiting for his beloved mistress to come back. His ears pricked forward as voices reached his ears.

 

"…gentle, okay? He's skittish, poor baby."

 

"But, 'Phia, you said I'd get to shoot something!"

 

"Look, we've been over this. I'm pretty sure Nyarlathotep can digest poisons, but I can't guarantee bullets. Now, quit complaining and lasso the stinking horse!"

 

"Why me? You're the sucker?"

 

"Because you're the ex-Sue from the Sci-Fi Western and you can lasso things, okay?!"

 

"Fine. Gimme the rope."

 

A loop of rope fell over Cloud's head. He panicked. His kicking, snorting rampage sent him out of the stall and into the woods, dragging a screaming, cursing elf along behind.

 

"Sophia—Ow!—Do—Oof!—Something!" Branwen yelled.

 

Sophia charged out into the horse's path, giving him enough stopping distance, and held out a handful of grass.

 

"Whoa, boy!" she chirped, "Nice boy! Cool it!"

 

The horse clattered to a halt, panting and shaking.

 

"There we go. Nice horse, good boy!" Sophia gently removed the nosebag and gave him the grass. "Now, all you need as a change of name and a trip to the adoption center. Yeah, who's a sweetie pie!"

 

"Sophia, touching as this is, we have to finish our job." Branwen had struggled to her feet and was brushing herself down. She had several nasty scrapes and cuts and a lovely collection of bruises beginning on her face.

 

"Okay, boy, let's go. C'mon, good boy. Yes, who's a clever boy, then?" Sophia coaxed the horse back to the stables. He took fairly well to being a pack mule, as well as to the portal. His attention span seemed mercifully short, as he didn't seem to recognize the village, especially in its ruined, half-faded state.

 

"Now, the big question: can he handle a Naz-gul and an Uruk-hai?" Sophia wondered aloud, patting the horse on the neck. He turned his head and nuzzled her shoulder, eliciting a delighted laugh from the smitten agent.

 

"Dunno," said Branwen with a shrug, "Let's hope so."

 

They didn't have to wait long. The Naz-gul and Uruk-hai were sniffing around the ruins for Eleniel. Neither was expecting the agents, nor being bull-rushed into the portals that popped up behind them.

 

"That was quick!" said Branwen as she stepped out of the portal, "The Naz-gul is safely back on the trail of the ring."

 

"And the Uruk-hai is back tearing up the countryside—oh, Brannie!" moaned Sophia. Sheepishly, Branwen tried to hid the smoking gun behind her back.

 

"Whaaat?" she demanded, "There were bandits and I flashy-thinged 'em! 'S not my fault I've got an itchy trigger finger."

 

Sophia sighed and opened up one more portal. "No more shooting folks, please? I mean it! This is getting to be a nuisance!" she said, sounding like a tired preschool teacher.

 

The portal opened up on a blasted heath, which was home to a stone circle and altar that made the air throb with malignant power. Thunder crashed and lightning flashed above their heads.

 

"Knock out the Sue," ordered Sophia. There was another clunk as Branwen thumped Eleniel with Daisy again. She was carried to the altar and draped appetizingly across it. Sophia whistled shrilly and clapped.

 

"Heeeeeeeere, Mister Elder-God! Yoo-hoo! COOOOOOO-EEEEEEE! C'mere! Auntie Sophie has snackage!" The throb grew stronger.

 

"Good riddance!" crowed Branwen as they dashed back to Cloud, who was, once again, freaking out.

 

The Agents disappeared.

 

The heath was abandoned again, save for a Suvian sacrifice wailing upon an altar older than memory.

 

*

 

"So, what did Doctor Fitzgerald say?" asked Sophia as a bandaged apparition entered Response Center #26. She was stretched out in the hammock, a Renaissance magazine in her lap.

 

"A couple days rest, Dispatch sending our jobs elsewhere, I should be fine," said Branwen as she settled onto the couch. "Nothing I can't recover from. And, unlike some 'Sues, I think resulting scars might give me character."

"You don't need much help," said Sophia cheerfully.

 

"Well, you're just as chipper as a red-headed mechanic in a strawberry patch," Branwen snorted.

 

"I should be! Look what I rescued!" Sophia jumped up and ran to the aquarium. Branwen felt her heart sink.

 

"Oh, no, 'Phia!" Branwen moaned, "You didn't!"

 

"I did! Isn't she precious? One of the others in our department found her in a PotC fic!" "She" turned out to be a miniature, blue-finned mermaid, the length of a human hand, with long silky hair, gradiating from deep indigo through tropical blues and greens to a cloud of white and seafoam green ringlets at the end. Her eyes were large and turquoise blue. She bared pointed teeth at them in a diabolical smile.

 

"I named her 'Inara'," said Sophia reaching in to tickle the mermaid's fins and tummy. It submitted to this for a few moments before sinking her fangs into Sophia's hand. "Aw! She wants to play! I know you hate swimming fanged things, but she'll grow on you, I'm sure!"

 

"Uh...what does she eat?" Branwen stepped back. Inara released Sophia's hand, which was drawn out.

 

"Oysters, shrimp, sushi, sashimi, but she loves Sue hearts as a treat!"

 

Branwen locked eyes with the mermaid. They suddenly found themselves sharing a friendly smile.

 

Branwen let herself laugh. "Y'know, I think the little sea-witch already growing on me!"

 

((A/N: Many of Branwen's oddball references and speech patterns are due to being an ex-Firefly Sue. This includes the occasional butchered Mandarin Chinese phrase. As to little Inara, she's a convienient disposal unit. She's such a cute little carnivorous Elder-God Spawn! *pinches gills flaps* Any who, is this good?))