If Gilbert and Sullivan were PPC

[tawaki.livejournal.com]

All of these songs are set to tunes from various Gilbert and Sullivan operas. Thought-speak quotes in "Oh, You're Hot" were changed due to HTML issues. And most, if not all, the the Sues and Stus in "The Agent's List" were actually written (in fact, "Saavy's nephew raised on Myst" was my own Stu).

"The Agent's List"
To the tune of "I've Got a Little List" from The Mikado

1ST. AGENT:
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list! I've got a little list!
Of Suvian offenders who might well be underground
And who never would be missed! They never would be missed!
There's Legolas' beloved who's half-Vanya, half-Maia.
There's Sirius' beloved who's a fifth Marauder. Gah!
The sorcerer who is in love with Susan Pevensie,
And Achenar's twin sister who's as mad as mad can be,
And poor Worf's Klingon lover who is "less brave than a wrist,"
They'll none of them be missed! They'll none of them be missed!

CHORUS:
He's got them on the list! He's got them on the list!
And they'll none of them be missed! They'll none of them be missed!

1ST. AGENT:
There's the sister to Darth Vader who will soon Darth Caedus face.
Saavy's nephew raised on Myst, I've got him on the list.
The tootsitramps who're boffing every warlock in the place
They'd none of them be missed! They'd none of them be missed!
The "piratess" so pretty who's not much more than a girl,
Who woos Jack Sparrow and makes him forget about the Pearl
And the Lady Firebird's cousin from bloodlines that never were
Who's also Brennan's kin by uncles kidnapped by the Shuhr.
And that singular anomaly, Tom Riddle's little sis
I don't think she'll be missed! I'm sure she'll not be missed!

CHORUS:
He's got her on the list! He's got her on the list!
And he's sure she'll not be missed! He's sure she'll not be missed!

1ST. AGENT:
And that puella nimia nuisance who just now is rather rife,
The Paravel Fifth-Throne-ist (I've got her on the list).
The Pegacorn who's humanoid and who'd be Leggy's wife
I don't think she'll be missed! I don't think she'll be missed!
And fan-created phantoms of a canon-warping type
Such as once made Garfield Odie kill and Jon Arbuckle. Yipe!
Likewise such as make Harry go to bed with You-Know-Who.
I'm sure that much more of such types will soon occur to you.
And you ought to put as many as will fit upon the list
For they'll none of them be missed! They'll none of them be missed!

CHORUS:
You may put them on the list! You may put them on the list!
And they'll none of them be missed! They'll none of them be missed!

"Take a Pair of Wilver Eyes"
To the tune of "Take a Pair of Sparkling Eyes" from The Goldoliers

2ND. AGENT:
Take a pair of wilver eyes
Hidden for not long enough
(If at all) in an eclipse
Take, to Legolas' surprise,
Urple hair (you know the stuff)
And a pair of fruited lips
Take a figure barely there
(But with boobs out to here)
Basically a Barbie doll
And take attitude to spare
(Which will quickly disappear
When love, when love to her calls
Ai, take this freak, you hapless man,
Feed to Shelob if you can, if you can.
Take this freak, you hapless man,
Feed to Shelob if you can.

Take the frame of a Dryad
(although not the movieverse)
To whom Peter gives his heart.
Watch the fanfic start at bad,
And quickly jump to worse.
This is writing, but not art.
Take a disregard for canon
(Peter ne'er had wife or kids
And at a young age he died)
They do things that Aslan's bannin'
Acting on the calls of their ids
And all of the readers sighed
O, throw this freak, you hapless man,
In Deathwater if you can, if you can.
Throw this freak, you hapless man,
In Deathwater if you can,
Hapless man, if you can.

"Climbing over Mirkwood Mountains"
To the tune of "Climbing over Rocky Mountain" from Thespis and Pirates of Penzance

CHORUS OF MARY SUES:
Climbing over Mirkwood Mountains
It's of all hotness the fountain
Passing where the canon quivers
Out where the Enchanted River
Bears the barrels off east
Threading long and wooded mazes
Singing Legolas's praises
Who needs lamps when you've got Sue pow'r?
We will get there in the hour
We may e'en catch a feast.

1ST. SUE:
Our Sue powers hold off the spiders
Until Leggy cometh with his riders
We'll be damsels in distress
And we'll fall for Legolas' hawtness

CHORUS:
We'll be damsels in distress,
Fall for Legolas' hawtness

2ND. SUE:
Legolas will need what we give
For we'll make Thranduil abusive
We all want to use our charms
To get into Legolas's arms

CHORUS:
We all want to use our charms
Into Legolas's arms

3RD. SUE:
Leaving our old home's grief and care
Down here in the forest air
Let us Legolas possess
For he's the king of hawtness

4TH. SUE:
Hey! The Mirkwood palace there
Delvéd out by Oropher!
Over LotR we'll decree
Screw that silly PPC

CHORUS:
Over LotR we'll decree
Screw that silly PPC
Our Sue powers hold off the spiders
Until Leggy comes with riders
We'll be damsels in distress
And we'll fall for Legolas' hawtness
We'll be damsels in distress,
Fall for Legolas' hawtness
Our Sue powers hold off the spiders
Until Leggy comes with riders.
We can't all share him!
Have at you!

"Oh, you're Hot"
To the tune of "Tit-Willow" from The Mikado

1ST. AGENT:
On a tree by the river Tobias the hawk
Said, [You're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.]
And I said to him, "Hey there, bird, why do you talk
"That 'You're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.'
"Is that Rachel down there, who is talking to you
"Or else is that just another damn Mary Sue?"
Quite confused now, the bird simply said, [Rachel who?
[Oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.]

I looked at the ground and I saw just to whom
He said, [You're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.]
And she was a textbook case Animorphs Sue.
[Oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.]
Her name was Maheen-Semitur-Varcoyu,
And she was in a human morph so gorgeous too.
And I figured out just how I would do in Sue.
[Oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.]

I was in slow burn as Tobias he said,
[Oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.]
I figured that now she was better off dead.
[Oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.]
I stunned her and injured her, took her away
Where the Taxxons had glittery dinner that day
From Tobias I drove every memory away
Of [You're hot, oh, you're hot, oh, you're hot.]

"I'm Ticked Off With the Flowers"
To the tune of "There Grew a Little Flower" from Ruddigore

MAD AGENT:
I'm ticked off with the Flowers and that bonsai tree
For they sent some badfic that drove my partner crazy
"Mister Rogers" he is screaming and the red-hot flames are streaming
And the perspiration's gleaming on his head, you see
I say, they will pay
I say they will pay
Tribbles here you see
For to eat up all those Flowers
And that bonsai tree

I say

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
You say

MAD AGENT:
They will pay

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
We will pay?

MAD AGENT:
I say

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
You say

MAD AGENT:
They will pay

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
We will pay?

BOTH:
I/You say they/we will pay
Tribbles here you see
For to eat up all those/us Flowers
And that bonsai tree

MAD AGENT:
You may say my mind is pickled o'er the Sue maybe
And that all my wits are mickle and I've gone crazy
And that I'm mad as a hatter and that loonily I natter
Well this is more than just patter; it's revenge I seek
I say, they will pay
I say they will pay
Tribbles here you see
For to eat up all those Flowers
And that bonsai tree

I say

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
You say

MAD AGENT:
They will pay

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
We will pay?

MAD AGENT:
I say

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
You say

MAD AGENT:
They will pay

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
We will pay?

BOTH:
I/You say they/we will pay
Tribbles here you see
For to eat up all those/us Flowers
And that bonsai tree

MAD AGENT:
You know I loved them never, Flowers nor the tree
For 'twas they sent Starlight Moonbeam Skywalker to me
And she wrecked my partner's brainbox and she stuffed up his head with rocks
Ere I fed her to the Sarlacc and came back you see
I say, they will pay
I say they will pay
Tribbles here you see
For to eat up all those Flowers
And that bonsai tree

I say

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
You say

MAD AGENT:
They will pay

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
We will pay?

MAD AGENT:
I say

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
You say

MAD AGENT:
They will pay

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
We will pay?

BOTH:
I/You say they/we will pay
Tribbles here you see
For to eat up all those/us Flowers
And that bonsai tree

MAD AGENT:
I say

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
You say

MAD AGENT:
They will pay

SUNFLOWER OFFICIAL:
We will pay?

BOTH:
Say, you/we will pay
You/We will pay
You/We will pay

"If You Want to Know Who We Are"
To the tune of "If You Want to Know Who We Are" from The Mikado

CHORUS OF MARY SUES:
If you want to know who we are
We are Mary Sues from Japan
We are in Legolas' arms
We're among Harry Potter's friends
We figure in fangirl clichés
We're inspired by animes
We warp canon all the day, oh!

If you think we're authentically
Japanese then we have to say
You're given to false hope, we see
They rely on the animes
We're pseudo-exotic add-ins
And no Gilbert or Sullivan
Were they who wrote us in, oh, oh!
Were they who wrote us in

If you want to know who we are
We are Mary Sues from Japan
We're written by
Some squeeing fans
By many, many, many, many
Many, many, many, many a fan
Oh, oh, oh, oh
We're written by
Some squeeing fans!