If Gilbert and Sullivan were PPC part 2

[tawaki.livejournal.com]

Part 1

"A Floater Agent I"
To the tune of "A Wandering Minstrel I" from The Mikado

FLOATER:
A Floater Agent I
Who guards so many fandoms
They seem to be at random
The worlds into which I fly
My catalog extends
From Animorphs through Zelda
I've many weapons held-a
To bring about a Sue's end
To bring about a Sue's end

Does Albus Dumbledore now cut?
I'll find the Sue
Oh, bad angst
Has his guilt driv'n him nuts
FicPsych can cure
Oh, bad angst, bad angst
The Sue big spiders finds
And tries to fly
But the full Body-Bind
Gets in her way
Oh, bad angst, bad angst.

And if Trek Sues come, then uniforms I've programmed
From Captain Pike to Star Trek: Enterprise
If Kirk and a young ensign are an item
Or Dukat with remorse now weeps and cries
Or if we should hear from the very infamous
Marissa Amber Flores Picard Sue
Or Archer gets a hitherto-unknown sis
Why then of course Mary Sue is through

CHORUS:
If Archer gets a hitherto-unknown sis
Why then of course Mary Sue is through

FLOATER:
And if I need to sail on the sea
To slay Jack Sparrow's girlfriend
With a yo ho ho and a bottle of Bleeprum for to spare my sanity
Hurrah for the canon freed

CHORUS:
A yo ho ho, hurrah for the canon freed

FLOATER:
To fight a Stu in a howling gale
May look thrilling in the mind
But the happiest hour an Agent sees
Is that when he's in his RC
With the minis curled up asleep
And no Flowers on the line

CHORUS:
Then get the Bleeprum, portal in
The Suefic then go unwind
With a yo ho ho and a CAD blown
Hurrah for the canon freed
With a yo ho ho
And a CAD blown
Yo ho
Yo ho
Yo ho
Yo ho yo ho yo ho yo ho

FLOATER:
A Floater Agent I
Who guards so many fandoms
They seem to be at random
The worlds into which I fly
The worlds into which I
Which I fly
Which I fly

"In Every Earthly Skill"
To the tune of "In Every Mental Lore" from Utopia, Limited

GARY STU:
In Every earthly skill

MARTY SAM:
'Ly skill

GARY STU:
(The statement's truth, not vanity)

MARTY SAM:
We're Absolutely filled

GARY STU:
'Ly filled

MARTY SAM:
We're the best of humanity.

GARY STU:
Our gifts of head and heart

MARTY SAM:
And heart

GARY STU:
Are quite unmatched by other men

MARTY SAM:
We're noble, brave, and smart

GARY STU:
And smart

MARTY SAM:
But our author's as mad as Gehn

GARY STU:
If canon's in our way

MARTY SAM:
Our way

GARY STU:
We simply overwrite it all

MARTY SAM:
And when we have our day

GARY STU:
Our day

MARTY SAM:
No canon can resist at all

BOTH:
The plot continua, 'ua
Will morph to something that we pick
(But we guess that's a duh, a duh
For we're the center of the fic)

GARY STU:
The canons do what's said

MARTY SAM:
What's said

GARY STU:
Because control complete have we

MARTY SAM:
The only thing we dread

GARY STU:
We dread

MARTY SAM:
Is Agents from the PPC.

GARY STU:
They will not rest 'till we

MARTY SAM:
'Till we

GARY STU:
Have gone the way of dodo birds

MARTY SAM:
They give us no pity

GARY STU:
Pity

MARTY SAM:
For they are jealous, take our word.

GARY STU:
With our sis Mary Sue

MARTY SAM:
'Ry Sue

GARY STU:
We make the 'verses all our own

MARTY SAM:
And when they all are ours

GARY STU:
Are ours

MARTY SAM:
Our glory and strength will be shown

BOTH:
The fanfics that sustain, sustain
Us with life make us all the best
We do not need the brain, the brain
But Suethor us with it has blessed

GARY STU:
'Tis a fanfiction dull

MARTY SAM:
From a Suethor's thick skull

GARY STU:
Review positively

MARTY SAM:
Concrit's not well-received

GARY STU:
To say we've defects
Shows a lack of respect

MARTY SAM:
Never mind the plot holes
And please call our pranks droll

BOTH:
Never mind the plot holes
And please call our pranks droll

"The Flowers That Are Found Upstairs"
To the tune of "The Flowers That Bloom in the Spring" from The Mikado

N00B:
The Flowers that are found Upstairs, tra-la
Are they who run the PPC.
They send us to the fics where, tra-la
We save all the fandoms we care, tra-la
For, and canon from Sues we free
And canon from Sues we free
And that's what I mean when I say and I sing
Oh, here's to the Flowers that are found Upstairs
Tra la la la la la
Tra la la la la la
Oh, here's to the Flowers Upstairs!

ALL:
Tra la la la la la
Tra la la la la la
Oh, here's to the Flowers Upstairs!

1ST. AGENT:
The Flowers that are found Upstairs, tra-la
Are not always pleasant to meet
When you have been summonéd there, tra-la
You showed Boromir too much care, tra-la
Or if your partner's gone off the deep
Or if your partner's gone off the deep
And that's what I mean when I say and I swear,
Oh, bugger the Flowers that are found Upstairs
Stop laughing, Badslashers!
Stop laughing, Badslashers!
Oh, bugger the Flowers Upstairs!

ALL:
Stop laughing, Badslashers!
Stop laughing, Badslashers!
Oh, bugger the Flowers Upstairs!

"If You'll Please Read And Review This"
To the tune of "If You'll Give Me Your Attention" from Princess Ida

1ST. SUE:
If you'll read and review this then you will see what I am
I'm a good OC for Legolas, all faulty types are sham
Each little fault of character and physical defect
In the fanauthor who writes me she from me did extract
To all our modern ways and norms I open Ardans' eyes
And little plans to snub that loser Gimli I devise
I love old Tolkien's writings, and that fact it must show through
But everybody says I'm just another Mary Sue
And I can't think why!

To flamers my fic's author has a withering reply
And concrit she will always do her best to mortify
A skirmish with the Orcs is just an easy task for me
Although I'd had no prior skill at all in archery
I bamfed from my suburban life straight into Middle-Earth
I'll see that Ring into the Fire and prove my sky-high worth
But though the author tries to make my story good ('tis true)
Yet everybody says I'm just another Mary Sue
And I can't think why!

(I'm sure I'm not too perfect; I'm as normal as can be
I've imperfections; I just cannot reach to that high C
I never was that great at painting, or at five-card stud)
I've a winning personality. My name is never mud.
I'm smart as Albert Einsten and an Elven-maiden too
I can shoot an Orc at seven hundred paces and I do
Although I am so wonderful (and ought to be, to you)
Yet everybody says I'm just another Mary Sue
And I can't think why!
I can't think why!

"A Fanfic There in the Pit of Voles"
To the tune of "A Magnet Hung in a Hardware Shop" from Patience

2ND. Agent:
A fanfic there in the Pit of Voles
Was simply brimming with plot holes
'Twas poised to tear the world apart
More surely than flaws in The Art
And characters ruptured on a whim
Eg: Foul Old Ron was neat and trim
And Rincewind he loved a Mary Sue
Who was Nanny Ogg's kid
And Dibbler's too

CHORUS:
And Dibbler's too?

2ND. AGENT:
And Dibbler's too!

This very-far-from-fine
Suvian plotline
Made readers sick, 'tis true
They sent the fanit
A ton of concrit
To fix the Mary Sue

CHORUS:
This very-far-from-fine
Suvian plotline
Made readers sick, 'tis true
They sent the fanit
A ton of concrit
To fix the Mary Sue

2ND. AGENT:
The Suethor simply shut his eyes
And said 'twas goodfic he'd devised
And that the concrit was just flames
Continued the story in the same vein
The Flowers soaked in the Bleepka Fount
To Discworld Agents sent that fic down
The Agents went down Ankh-Morpork way
Where they did the Mary Sue away

CHORUS: The Sue away?

2ND. AGENT: The Sue away

And now I will tell you
Who wrote that Mary Sue
Stands right here in front of you
I learned in time
My fault and I
Am now slaying Mary Sues

CHORUS:
And we can tell 'twas you
Wrote that Mary Sue
Who stand there, this is true
You learned in time
Your fault, and why,
Now you're slaying Mary Sues!

"Our Eyes Are Fully Open"
To the tune of "My Eyes Are Fully Open" from Ruddigore

1ST. AGENT:
Our eyes are fully open to the canon's situation
We shall go at once to Redwall and make an elimination
For Sue's turned Mattimeo into someone more like Jango
And with Mordalfus she will do the Horizontal Tango
A lot of Bleeprin down the hatch, for she's a gorram otter
We need to think about a fate to suit this little rotter
With canon so screwed up I think the method ought to matter
For she's got to go and -- Hey! I think we'll feed her to the adder!

2ND. AGENT:
Yes, let's feed her to the adder

N00B:
Yes, let's feed her to the adder

2ND. AGENT:
Yes, let's feed her to the adder

N00B:
Yes, let's feed her to the adder

1ST. AGENT:
Yes, let's feed her to the adder

2ND. AGENT:
Yes, let's feed her to the adder

ALL:
Yes, let's feed her to the adder, adder, adder, adder, adder!

N00B:
If I were not an avian and generally feathered
I'd be able to take Bleeprin; but this fic I have to weather
It seems Chickenhound survived his fall and is back for a visit
How can they fail to recognize his voice? Whatever is it?
Why's Matthias now an imbecile? Why's Matti mercenary?
And how did Slagar's stomach get so full of fritillaries?
Of course I know the answer; Mary Sue dulled their gray matter
All enchantments will wear off soon as we've fed her to the adder

2ND. AGENT:
When we've fed her to the adder

1ST. AGENT:
When we've fed her to the adder

2ND. AGENT:
When we've fed her to the adder

1ST. AGENT:
When we've fed her to the adder

N00B:
When we've fed her to the adder

2ND. AGENT:
When we've fed her to the adder

ALL:
When we've fed her to the adder, adder, adder, adder, adder!

2ND. AGENT:
The tactics this fic uses wouldn't fool a Trekverse Pakled!
Oh, Slagar would see through that trick and his foe would be so dead
These and many other charges we have that the Sue's racked
Up and so we take her a full eighteen seasons way back
To ere the events of Redwall, to where Poisonteeth made his lair
We tie the Mary sue up and we rattle off the list there
Then Asmodeus emerges and we are off with a clatter
And we leave the Mary Sue there to be eaten by the adder

N00B:
To be eaten by the adder

1ST. AGENT:
To be eaten by the adder

N00B:
To be eaten by the adder

1ST. AGENT:
To be eaten by the adder

ALL:
Then Asmodeus emerges and we are off with a clatter
And we leave the Mary Sue there to be eaten by the adder
Then Asmodeus emerges and we are off with a clatter
And we leave the Mary Sue there to be eaten by the adder
Adder, adder, adder, adder, adder, adder, adder, adder, adder, adder, adder!