Department of Mary Sues, HP: Ekwy and Milano [archive III]

[araeph.livejournal.com]

^{Disclaimer: Harry Potter doesn't belong to me. The PPC doesn't belong to me. OFUM doesn't belong to me. The fic being PPCd doesn't belong to me. Steve Irwin doesn't belong to me. And not much money belongs to me either, so I'd be very greatful if you didn't sue. Thank you.}

Harry Kathy and the Sorcerers Stone

Agent Ekwy of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, Harry Potter Division, was pacing the narrow space between the console and the fireplace of her office. Her eyes darted from the empty place where portals usually opened to the watch on her wrist.

They should be here by now.

Her partner, Agent Milano, looked rather amused as she watched her friend from a pretty uninteresting gray chair in the corner.

"Relax, chick-pea," she said. "They'll be here."

"I won't be able to calm down until I have them right here with me, Mil," Ekwy proclaimed and continued her striding. "Oh, I hope they recognize me."

"Mora will recognize you, Eki. You've had her for, what? Two months? Minis have good memories."

"But she has been gone for quite a while," Ekwy whined. "I just hope she remembers that this is her home. I mean, I know OFUM is nice, but she was just there for a check-up. And she hasn't been feeling well, and she's so little... And Lopin, what if he..."

She was interrupted by a whirring sound from the place she had been watching for the last hour. A sizzling electric blue portal had opened, revealing school-corridors not that different from the ones at the PPC Headquarters. A figure about three feet tall was standing in the opening, curiously peeking out into the room.

"Mora!" Ekwy squealed. "Here Mora, baby, come to mommy!"

The figure gave a small roar and then it threw itself into the Agent's outstretched arms.

Milano rolled her eyes at her partner. Ekwy, unaware of this, hugged her mini-Balrog for as long as she dared without having Mora setting her uniform on fire. Being a little fiery demon could do that sometimes.

"Oh, mommy's missed you," she cooed. "Have you missed mommy too? Did you have fun at the University, baby? Whozzagoodminithen? You are! Yes, you are the cutest little thing mommy's ever seen."

She continued rambling nonsense and feeding Mora with slices of bacon for a good five minutes before something happened. Another portal opened, also from a place that seemed fond of stonewalled corridors. This time the figure was smaller, and more... many-legged.

"Lopin!"

The spider clicked its pincers a few times and went through the portal.

"Look at the Agentses," it hissed. "We likes it, we doesss..."

Milano shivered. She was not so fond of spiders, really, and this one was big as a normally sized poodle. Oh well, maybe she would get used to it. Ekwy certainly seemed to.

"Lopin, my sweet! C'mere and let your new mommy take a look at you," the Agent said and continued to fuss over the fact that Lopin seemed thinner, his eight glittering black eyes duller, and his pincers less... pincer-y than his brothers and sisters.

"We have to feed you well, won't we, mommy Milano?" Ekwy said, looking at her partner with questioning eyes.

Milano nodded patiently. She had a distinct feeling that it would take Ekwy a while to calm down from the maternal instincts that crashed through her body like a tidal wave. She also had a distinct feeling that it would drive her absolutely bonkers before it ended.

"So, Eki," she said to try and change the subject. "Where's Nea at?"

"Hm?" Ekwy looked up from Lopin, who was munching on a dead rat. "Oh, I think she said that she'd go to the PPC General Store to pick up some more Bleeprin, or if it was chocolate, I'm not sure..."

"She'd better hurry before we get a mission," Milano announced, checking her watch.

There was a pregnant pause.

"Oh shi-"
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! EMERGENCY!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEP, YOU LAZY SODS!!!]

Ekwy barely flinched.

"That console has become very rude, don't you think?" she simply remarked, not taking her eyes from her beloved minis. "I mean, at least it could ask nicely..."

Milano muttered something incoherent and walked over to the console. She glared at it until it shut up, and then she ripped the Words from it. After eying them for a few short moments, she gave up something closely resembling a growl.

"Oh, mommy Milano's cranky," Ekwy tuttered at Mora, who shook her flamey head at Lopin. "I think mommy Milano is mad now."

"Oh shut it, Eki," Milano muttered, crumbling the Words into her closed fist. "It's just another one of those Harry's undiscovered twin sisters that he tends to get..."

"Mommy Milano likes Harry," Ekwy explained. "She thinks he's really nice and brave and handsome and..." "Eki, you're gonna have to shut up now. This is not funny."

"Let me see that." Ekwy awakened from her momentarily daze and snatched the paper from Milano. "Blah, blah, blah, movie-verse, blah, blah, being snotty towards the Dursleys, blah, blah, lightning bolt scar at the... base of her neck?" She wrinkled her nose. "The Dursleys hit her? They never hit Harry."

"They wouldn't dare," Milano agreed. "First of all, if they where hitting Harry, someone would notice it. And secondly, they are terrified of what Harry might do to them if they'd ever laid their hands on him. Except Dudley before Harry's eleventh birthday then, maybe," she added as an afterthought.

"So, we're going?"

They where interrupted by the sound of singing from outside the door, and the second afterwards Nea entered. She carried a white plastic bag that rattled when she moved in one hand.

"Hi there," Nea said cheerfully. She caught sight of the paper in Ekwy's hands, and her smile faded slightly. "We got a job?"

"Yup." Ekwy nodded and handed over the Words. She then grinned brightly. "But never mind that! First I want you to meet Mora and Lopin!" She beamed. "They're my owners!"

Nea took one look at the minis before giving up a shrilling ear-piercing squeal of delight.

"Oh, aren't you the most adorable things I've ever seen!" she exclaimed, dropping to the floor and letting go of her bag. "Yes, the sweetest little demon/spider-y things ever!"

"Oh no..." Milano mumbled as her two partners started giggling insanely and taking turns on feeding the minis. "That's it, I give up. Think fast!" Ekwy and Nea looked up. Milano had picked up the Portal Generator and threw it at Ekwy. The brunette caught it the second before it hit her in the face, and she pouted a little bit.

"Oh, all right," she muttered as she pressed the correct coordinates. "I'll go. Sorry, Mil."

Milano looked pleased. Ekwy and Nea however waved at the minis and blew them goodbye-kisses until they had stepped through the portal and lost them from sight.

**

The Agents stepped out of the portal dressed in robes and one shimmering Invisibility Cloak each, and out on a darkened Privet Drive. Outside a house that looked suspiciously like the one used in the Harry Potter-movies stood a "tall, aging man dressed in green robe" and looking up towards the dark sky. There was an owl perched on his arm.

"Dumbledore," Ekwy presumed, smiling a little towards the man.

"Good thing he hasn't used his Put-Outer yet," Milano said, fumbling with the notepad. "I would have had problems with writing down eventual charges if I couldn't see."

"But ignoring the Put-Outer is a charge," Nea pointed out. "He uses it in the movie too, so the Author can't just blow it off like that."

Milano scribbled something down and returned to the fic.

Suddenly, a roaring sound was heard, and the Agents looked up. A shape was forming around the round silvery moon. It was a motorcycle, or at least it should have been a motorcycle.

This was a motorcycle with wings. Yes. Big, white, feathery wings. The Agents blinked in surprise.

"This is new," Milano remarked.

"Flying. Does. Not. Equal. Wings!" Ekwy said, stomping her foot in the ground to emphasize her words.

They watched as Hagrid dismounted the motorcycle and walked up to the waiting (and smiling) Dumbledore.

"Any trouble, Hagrid?"

"None at all, Professor Dumbledore," Hagrid answered. "The tykes fell asleep somewhere over Russia, though the girl is a right stubborn one. She fell asleep in the tenth time zone whereas her brother fell asleep in the first one."

"What happened to Hagrid's accent?" Nea demanded to know.

"Russia?" Ekwy frowned. "How did they get to Russia? Hagrid must have taken the longest way possible to Surrey from Godric's Hollow for that to work. Unless Godric's Hollow is located somewhere around Japan..."

"All the way around the world," Milano said in a singsong voice and chuckled while writing it down. '"Changing geography.' Got it."

Hagrid and Dumbledore had a short conversation about McGonagall not being happy about the twins' living arrangements, but the Transfiguration teacher herself was nowhere to be seen. Then Hagrid picked up a basket, which was apparently containing two infants. They both had dark brown hair and matching eyes.

"Au contraire, my Suvian friend," Milano said, waving her ball point pen in the air as she spoke. "It is clearly said in the first chapter of Philosopher's Stone that Harry's hair was black even as a baby... And there really isn't anything saying that his eyes weren't as lovely emerald then as they are now. 'Changing physiology of canon characters,' check."

Dumbledore proceeded to taking out the letter and placing it in the basket, according to canon, and then leaving Privet Drive... on the motorcycle. Nea started giggling hysterically. Albus Dumbledore, the old and sage wizard, really looked rather dumb sitting perched behind Hagrid on a huge motorcycle, with his green robes pulled up above his knees and the un-descript owl still sitting silently on his arm.

No one had the time to comment it, since the world gave a sickening lurch and turned itself inside out. The Author's high-pitched voice was suddenly heard, begging for reviews and giving a disclaimer that probably was supposed to be funny but wasn't.

When it stopped the Agents decided to get inside the Dursley residence, hidden safely behind their Invisibility Cloaks. They snuck in through the front door and waited in the kitchen, where Vernon Dursley sat reading the morning paper by the table. Petunia had just woken the twins, who where apparently sleeping in the attic, and returned to the kitchen with Dudley in tow. Not long after, Harry and Kathy Potter turned up.

Kathy was a replica of Lily, although her eyes where James' hazel, and she wore glasses. There was something extremely confident over her, which she would show shortly.

"How's my favorite birthday boy?" Petunia giggled, rubbing noses with Dudley. Harry groaned and Kathy scoffed under her breath.

"Who's the only birthday boy?" Kathy muttered sarcastically to her brother.

"Ripping off scenes from the book and changing them," Ekwy muttered. "Oh, I really don't like this one."

"She's extremely annoying, even for a Sue," Milano agreed. "I don't know really what it is. It's just a boring story, a 'What if...' that's not even remotely interesting anymore since it has been done and overdone so many times."

There was more ripping off from the kitchen-scene. Dudley asked about his presents and was interrupted in what could have been a nice tantrum when Kathy yelled at him that they where going to go to the zoo for his 38th present, and that he should shut up.

Nea sputtered something incoherently and called the Sue many bad names under her breath.

"And then some," Ekwy said with venom. "Now, Harry and Kathy grew up together. Harry is mild and meek as a mouse, while Kathy is the Evil Bitch-Monster of Death. How is this?"

"And this is apparently a universe in which the Dursleys physically abuse their adopted children," Nea remarked. "Oh, I hate that."

Petunia snapped at Kathy with a voice that sounded less like her almost hysterical screechy-ness and more like she was whining. She commanded the twins to start breakfast without much more fuss. But Kathy would of course have none of this.

"We have rights, and I'm not about to give in and lose them!" she yelled furiously.

Milano sniggered. "Oh yeah, start talking about children's rights in society with the Dursleys. That will sure work. Does this count as displaying extreme stupidity?"

Ekwy thought about it, and then she nodded. "Most definitely."

The Dursleys had now proceeded to expect breakfast from the twins. Why they trusted them to cook their meals, since Kathy obviously hated them, the Agents had no idea, but then Suvians were rarely logical. Harry was acting like a servant, humbly running around to satisfy every need of his OOC relatives.

"You, girl, get me my toast!" Petunia snapped her fingers at Kathy.

"I have a name," Kathy muttered.

"Oh, here it goes," Ekwy could hear Milano mumble.

Kathy continued to rave about her and Harry not being the Dursleys' children, or servants, or slaves. The Dursleys had no right to treat her and Harry like this.


"Kathy, no!" Harry yelled.

"YES, Petunia, do it," the Agents mumbled under their breaths, crossing their fingers.

SLAP!

"I've had quite enough!" Petunia yelled. "You two are living on our charity, and you WILL be grateful!"

"Kathy held her reddening cheek. "If I had magic powers, I'd...!"

"Look everyone, it's foreshadowing!" Ekwy said cheerfully and pointed at the scene in front of them. "It is bad foreshadowing, but still foreshadowing."

"And we have an error with the quotation mark," Milano said, adding it to the rapidly growing list.

Petunia, being who she was, became very pale. Dudley started to whine and beg his mother to make the nasty evil Kathy to stop. Vernon turned beet-red and, while yelling to Kathy about how much of an idiot she was (the Agents cheered silently at this) pulled her by the hair up to the attic, where the Potter twins apparently lived.

"Boooring," Nea yawned. "Let's just get this over with, this is so dull."

"I'm with you," Milano agreed. "Ekwy, flash forward."

"Right-o. I'm just as bored as you are, so we'll skip the owl with the first letter, and go straight to the third chapter. There is just too much wrongness about that one for us to let it slip."

**

The portal brought them to a beach. It was a very pretty beach, albeit being foggy and sort of out of focus. Urple and wilver fog danced around over the sand, and there was a sickenly sweet smell in the air.

"Oh, a dream sequence," Milano said, nodding understandingly.

Some meters away sat Kathy, sipping pink lemonade and reading...

"'Animerica'?" Nea looked confused. "Why 'Animerica' when she is British?"

She would have her answer in a very loud and obnoxious Author's Note.

(A/N: Kathy is an Anime freak, okay? She orders Animerica even though she's not American. Don't ask me how...let's just say that Animerica is imported)

"Oh, yes, well, that explains it, then," Nea muttered. "Let's just conveniently enough forget about the fact that the Dursleys would never allow any of the Potter family to import something from America, and especially not when it's something as expensive as Manga. Where did Kathy get the money to pay for that, I wonder?"

"Well, we had it proved for us in the second chapter that she didn't mind stealing candy from Dudley (as if he wouldn't notice such a thing) so maybe she doesn't have much morals when it comes to money either," Ekwy pointed out while pocketing the Portal Generator.

Nothing more was said on this matter as the beach disappeared. Kathy was clearly waking up. The Agents suddenly felt extremely nauseous and had to lean on each other so that they wouldn't pass out. Luckily, the surroundings stopped swirling, and when they could finally see again they stood in a room at the attic.

"Behind here!" Milano hissed, dragging the two others with her behind the square stone chimney that went through the attic to the house roof.

The Agents watched the Sue from a safe distance as she woke up from the tapping of an owl's beak at the window.

"Pretty birdie," Ekwy mumbled happily with a glance at the majestic white owl outside.

Kathy turned around and woke up her brother. She then proceeded with opening the window, letting the owl in. It dropped the letter it was holding and flew away.

"It's so... anticlimactic," sighed Milano.

After a short fight over who should open the letter, Harry won and started to read:

Dear Katherine and Harold Potter, We are pleased to inform you that you have been approved to enter the esteemed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You shall be escorted by a chosen messenger to the King's Cross Train Station and shall be picked up by the 9 3/4 train at precisely 11 o'clock on September 1st. We look forward to seeing you this semester.

Sincerely,

The Ministry of Magic

"It's not the Ministry of Magic that send out Hogwarts letter," Nea calmly pointed out. "That's McGonagall's job."

"Harry's name's not Harold!" Milano hissed. "It never was, never will be! It's Harry James Potter, Rowling even said so herself. WHY DO THEY ALWAYS CALL HIM HAROLD?!"

"Wait a second," Nea mumbled.

All three agents stared at Harry. He was getting a little blurry around the edges. Out of focus. It lasted for about five seconds before he became himself again. Or was he really? This Harry seemed different than the boy-wonder that the agents knew and... yeah, knew.

"Alright, what happened to Harry?" Milano demanded to know and looked at her partners, as if she blamed them.

"Not sure," said Nea. "Try the CAD."

Ekwy whipped out her Canon Analysis Device and pointed it at Harry. The letters flashed:

[Harold Potter. Wizard. Canonnoncanonbitcanonnonbitcharacter. Danger, danger! Criokey, this is a beauty! Errorerrorerror...]

Ekwy blinked. "Why is my CAD sounding like Steve Irwin?" she asked no one in particular.

Milano didn't notice Ekwy's confusion. Milano was furious.

"How DARE she?" she fumed. "She made Harry fricken' POTTER into a bit character! Oh, she'll pay, I swear on everything holy that she will pay..."

"Take it easy, Mil," Ekwy said soberly. "Not just yet. We have a bit left."

Milano calmed down after a few minutes, and they could continue.

"I still think we should show this to Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia," Harry said.

"Oh, yes, and they'll just love it." Kathy rolled her eyes. "What a great idea, Harry Pothead!"

"'Pothead'," Milano repeated, her voice dead. "'Pothead.' Why do every badfic-author find that so hilariously funny?"

Ekwy looked up from her charge-list and shrugged. "Because they're dumb?"

"Yeah, that's it. Thanks."

"No problem."

"Hang on to something, guys!" Nea called out. "Time jump!"

**

They were suddenly standing in the hallway of Privet Drive number four. Harold the bit-character was there, just standing about doing nothing. Kathy was also there, reading one of her anime-magazines that she couldn't possibly have, and Petunia was out in the kitchen, making dinner. Without a word to each other, the Agents slunk into the cupboard under the stairs that, now when the Potter twins lived in the attic, was empty. It did however have that little window that Vernon had used to yell at Harry through in the movie, and that was perfect if they wanted to see what happened.

There were three knocks on the door that seemed to shake the entire house. The agents didn't need to guess twice to figure out who that was. Petunia however, had no idea.

"Why is he knocking?" Petunia muttered to herself, dropping her paring knife and walking to the door. "You, girl, get away from the door!" She pushed Kathy aside. "Probably scare Vernon off if he saw you first."

The Agents chuckled at this.

"Wouldn't be surprised at all," Ekwy mused.

Kathy made another face, this time drawing back her lips and mimicking her aunt by making her top jaw hang over her lower one. Harry sent her a look of mixed scolding and amusement. Kathy grinned at him and went back to her Animerica magazine which she'd had to save up for and buy herself, and was also very expensive, being an imported good.

"Really?" Nea raised an eyebrow. "And where did she get any money to save in the first place? Did she work for them? Who would hire her?"

"Not anyone in this neighbourhood, that's for certain," Milano replied. "Like the Dursleys, the lot of them. Besides, she's only eleven. Technically, she's not allowed to even work during her holidays."

"And importing stuff is ridiculously expensive," Ekwy added. "Especially anime and manga. I think we've concluded that there's just no way for Kathy to have access to that." She added it to the charge-list with a pleased smirk. "Going at this rate, this won't be a very long mission."

Petunia had opened the door, revealing Hagrid in all his gigantic hairy glory. The half-giant greeted the Muggle very politely, and very out of character.

[Rubeus Hagrid. Half giant, half wizard. Canon. Out of character: 34. 29 %]

"Could be worse," Ekwy muttered and pocketed the Device again. "At least the CAD didn't explode."

"Good day to you, ma'am," said Hagrid, without even the smallest hint of an accent. "I've come to collect Kathy and Harry. I'm sure you've gotten our notice."

"Why does Hagrid sound like an Oxford graduate?" Nea wondered silently to herself.

"The train leaves tomorrow. I, Hagrid, as the Hogwarts Keeper of Grounds and Keys and Professor Dumbledore's messenger, have come to bring the young Potters with me, I have."

"Redundancy," Milano noted. "But he's a little bit more in character now, at least."

Ekwy and Nea didn't listen. They were busy 'ohh'ing and 'ahh'ing at the creature that had suddenly appeared at Hagrid's feet. It was small, only about one foot tall, and seemed vaguely confused about why it was there. It looked a bit like Hagrid, really, except for the fact that its beard was a lot shorter.

"He's cute!" Ekwy said happily. "What is he?"

Milano squinted at the Words. "I suppose he's 'Professor Dumbledore's messenger,'" she said, shrugging. "Apparently Hagrid is the Keeper of him."

Nea crouched down and gave the door to the cupboard a small push. It slid up without a sound.

"Hey, PDM, over here," she whispered.

Professor Dumbledore's messenger looked around. He wrinkled his nose when he saw Nea and looked even more confused than before.

"Yeah, you," she nodded. "Come over here, sweetie. No one's gonna hurt you."

PDM doubted for only a second, gave the oblivious Hagrid a look, and then he was suddenly in Nea's arms. The three Agents blinked simultaneously.

"Fast little bugger," Milano said, clearly impressed.

"Aw, he's scared," Ekwy cooed, petting the dwarf-like creature. "You think we can keep him?"

Her partner shrugged. "Why not? If he's anything like Hagrid, he'll get along fine with the minis. Hey, maybe he can baby-sit them when we're on missions?"

"And it's not like he has any other place to go, the poor thing," Nea agreed and smiled at her new buddy, who happily rested against her shoulder.

The booming voice of Vernon Dursley brought them back to the present, and they looked up. Hagrid once again explained what he was doing there, and the Dursleys reacted in a very canon like manner. By refusing. Professor Dumbledore's messenger purred happily.

"He seems to like it when something canon happens," Nea said, sounding a bit proud. "That's my boy!"

"Sir, I bid you good day!" Petunia said stiffly.

"Oh, shut up!" Kathy said, annoyed. She pushed past Petunia. "Move it."

Petunia reached out and grabbed Kathy's hair. "You won't speak to me that way!" She gave Kathy a shove.

"Sorry to say so, ma'am, but I think you deserved that," Hagrid said.

"I think she deserved that too," Ekwy put in. "Kathy, that is."

"She should really learn to respect her elders," Milano agreed.

"Judging from her harried appearance, lack of muscle, and run-down clothes, I'd say she hasn't been well taken care of."

"He's Sherlock Holmes!" Milano cried out, gradually sinking into MST-mode.

"Harry's the same," Kathy said, wishing that Hagrid wasn't just a messenger but also an officer of DIFUS.

Ekwy was about to say something, but was interrupted by the Author's ear-piercing voice:

(A/N: Is that only in America? Oh, well, I'm just making this up, so it doesn't matter)

The Agents growled, and PDM send a venomous glare Kathy's way. He seemed to have a genuine hatred towards 'Sues, which suited the PPCers just fine.

"Just because you're making it up doesn't mean that you shouldn't do research!" Ekwy pointed out.

"Sir, we are their legal guardians, and they won't go anywhere unless we allow them!" Vernon said.

"Have you proof of guardianship?"

"Of course they do!" Nea exclaimed. "They're the goddamn Dursleys!"

"Since when does Hagrid act like this?" Milano whined. "He sounds like he went to law school!"

Ekwy was just banging her head against the wall.

If Kathy noticed the odd sounds from the cupboard she didn't comment. Instead she and Harold the bit-character followed Hagrid outside, leaving a screeching Petunia behind. Petunia didn't seem to be doing much in this fic except for screeching, actually.

Anyway, Hagrid seemed pretty fed up at this point. He turned around, whipped out his wand and...

Wait a minute. Wand?

"Hagrid doesn't HAVE a wand!" Milano howled, stomping her foot on the floor. "They snapped it in half! What is this author THINKING?!"

Nea handed over a bottle of Bleeprin with a sigh. "I don't think she does."

"Dudley has a pig's tail," Ekwy noticed without any enthusiasm whatsoever. "How nice."

The whole awful scene ended with Hagrid handing over a smooshed cake with pink icing to the twins. Ekwy returned to beat her head against the wall until she was nearly unconscious, while Nea sobbed silently on Milano's shoulder. PDM hissed furiously and wriggled in an attempt to get out of Nea's embrace, but she refused to let go.

And, to top it off, another horrible Author's Note:

Yes, I know I changed the scene, but I like my way better.

"We hate you, Suethor," the agents chorused. "So very much."

**

After having suffered through all that it came as a nice surprise when the agents suddenly found themselves standing outside the Leaky Cauldron. They could hear Kathy stealing Harry's lines and reading the list of requirements for the first years out loud from around the corner. Ekwy muttered some Swedish curses, but refrained from banging her head against something. It just too much bad things for it to have any effect anymore.

"Let's get inside," Milano said, pointing at the inn. "Maybe we can have some refreshments while waiting."

They ignored Kathy's rambling and walked in. They ordered three Butterbeers and found places by a table where a bunch of nondescript teenager sat, celebrating someone's birthday. They'd fit in well there if Kathy was to see them.

"Here they come," Ekwy mumbled and took a sip from her bottle. "Hm. This stuff's not bad."

There was more rip-off from the book as Hagrid entered with the Potter twins in tow. To the agents' pleasant surprise, they now noticed that the half-giant seemed to have an accent now. This was perhaps not so strange, considering the author had pretty much copied his lines from the book. "I'm too mad to even comment," Nea sighed and fed cookies to Professor Dumbledore's messenger from under the table. It seemed to be the only way to keep him from hissing all the time.

Chaos broke out as a woman that had been "respectively drinking from a champagne glass" by a lonely table suddenly noticed the odd trio by the counter.

"My dear Lord. Are those Harry and Kathy Potter?"

Someone swore under her breath somewhere near Ekwy. She supposed it was Milano, but when she looked it was one of the teenagers. And she had done it in amazement. It was enough to make her want to cry.

People came up to the twins to greet them back into the wizarding world. Kathy looked like a deer caught in headlights, while her brother seemed slightly dazed. He stared straight ahead without reacting to the people around him.

"She's not even caring about characterizing him anymore," Milano muttered, outraged. "Poor Harold..."

Professor Quirrell came and went, without doing much else than stutter at the twins.

The agents followed on a safe distance and watched in dismay as Hagrid dragged the twins with him to the backyard, while explaining to them why they were famous and who Lord Voldemort was. Kathy didn't seem impressed by the name, but she was holding Harold's hand in a death-grip, so she was clearly rather nervous about the fact that he had killed their parents.

Hagrid nodded gravely.

"See that mark on Harry's forehead, and the one on the back of yer neck, Kathy?" he said. "That's the mark of a dark curse. It took care of everythin' else in yeh're house, except you two. And that's why yeh're famous. Yeh're the two who lived."

"Not much of a life," Kathy scoffed. "Your parents killed by some guy with a weed for a name and then dropped off with abusive relatives. I'm so glad I survived."

"Not," PDM muttered, and Nea looked at him in surprise.

"You can talk?" she asked.

PDM tilted his head a bit. Apparently he could a few words, but didn't seem capable of forming sentences. Nea scratched him behind his slightly pointed ears. You learned something new every day.

"You guys, what do you say we wait outside until they come out from Gringotts?" Ekwy suggested. "Not much happens in there, and it's such a nice day to be outside."

"I'm for it," said Milano and grinned sadistically. "Perhaps we can discuss how we're going to kill her."

"Actually, I have a rather nice idea for that," Nea smirked as Ekwy opened a portal to Diagon Alley. "A very nice idea indeed."

"Do tell," Ekwy said, intrigued.

"Oh no. It's going to be a surprise. I only need some money."

"Then I have an idea." With a few clicks, Ekwy changed the destination of the portal. Then she looked a Nea. "Are you planning on purchasing a weapon of some sort to kill her off?"

Nea nodded.

"Good! Then it's poetic justice. The Flowers That Be loves poetic justice. And here we go!"

She pressed Enter.

**

Fifteen minutes later a portal opened outside Gringotts Wizarding Bank, and the agents stepped out. Behind them PDM strutted, carrying a bag that seemed very heavy. The three agents looked very smug.

"One of your better ideas, Eki," Milano chuckled.

"Thank you," her partner replied, and then she turned towards the intern. "Now Nea, dearest, prove yourself."

Nea smiled. "I'll be right back," she said and waved at the fan-created dwarf. "Here, PDM!"

"Hope she knows what she's doing," Milano mumbled as Nea disappeared into a shop down the street, with PDM in tow.

"She knows," Ekwy responded calmly. "We've trained her well."

"We did, didn't we?" Milano beamed proudly. And then she sighed. "Now what are we going to do? While we wait, I mean."

Ekwy shrugged. "Dunno. Shop?"

"Don't feel like shopping. Everything's so expensive these days."

"Tell me about it. Seventeen sickles for a pound of dragon liver!"

"Stop quoting things from the books, Eki. We've had enough of that already."

"Sorry."

**

After another ten minutes Nea came back, looking very smug indeed. PDM was carrying another bag, bigger and bumpier than the last one. He didn't seem to mind the weight though.

"What did you do with the rest of the money?" Ekwy asked curiously.

"The store had a collecting box for St. Mungos' on the counter," she answered. "I dumped the lot there."

"Still not going to tell us what you're planning on doing?" Milano wondered.

"Nope. So, what's happened so far?"

Ekwy nodded her head towards Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. "They're gonna show up there soon, to meet young Mr. Malfoy. How exciting."

"She's not being paired with him though, I hope?"

"No. I think the author is planning on a Kathy/Ron fic. Or something."

"Here they come!" Milano hissed. "Look casual!"

They managed to look like an ordinary small group of Hogwarts students chatting about something very unimportant as the twins passed them on their way into the shop. Then they snuck in and hid behind a rack of brightly coloured robes.

They pretended to browse through the shelves as they followed the oblivious twins.

"Keep close to me, sweetie," Nea mumbled to PDM. "I don't want you to get lost in here. This place is a labyrinth when you're only one foot tall."

PDM nodded eagerly and changed his grip on the mysterious bag.

Peeking out from behind a shelf that sold self-ironing robes ("Buy two and get a complementing frog-skin belt FOR FREE!") they could easily watch as Madam Malkin conjured up two stools and told the twins to stand on them. She measured them and then she disappeared, leaving them alone with the other boy in the fitting room.
Milano snorted. "That's Draco Malfoy? Bitch, please."

Ekwy squinted. Draco seemed a little out of focus, almost as if he was... invisible. She glanced at the Words.

He had a colorless face and would've been invisible if it wasn't for his bright gold hair.

Nea was not happy. "Gold hair? GOLD hair?! Draco is a blond! His hair is almost WHITE, not fricken' yellow! He looks like a cartoon character!"

"There is a certain 'Dennis the Menace' quality there," Ekwy concurred.

"Off to Hogwarts, as well?" the boy asked, and he had an imperious voice.

"Making... up... words," Ekwy mumbled as she wrote it down. "This list is getting long now."
"No, to Mahonogakuen," Kathy said shortly. "Yes, we're going to Hogwarts."

"Of course. Why would you be going to the Japanese school and buying here? How silly of me." He sounded unfazed.

Kathy looked surprised. She had made that name off the top of her head.

"Making... up... schools..."

(A/N: Mahonogakuen is my creation. It's the Japanese version of Hogwarts. If you break it down to Maho-no-Gakuen, it means School of Magic. It's pronounced Mah-hoe-no-gah-koo-en. Kathy watches Anime and therefore knows a little Japanese.)

"What are the odds, eh?" Milano grinned. "Making up a word, and finding out that there's a school called that?"

"Not big, Milano. Not big," Nea said and grimaced. "But Kathy manages to nail it."

"And there was no rejoicing at all."

The rest of the scene continued rip-off style, except for Kathy, who decided to act like the brat she really was and insult Malfoy every chance she got. At the end she even kicked the stool he was standing on, making him fall and rip his newly bought robes.

"The little bitch!" Nea growled and made an effort to run up and bitch-slap Kathy, but her partners held her back.

"Not yet," Milano hissed in her ear. "Soon. But not yet."

"Come on guys, we're going towards the end," Ekwy called. "Just a little bit more, Nea. Can you do that?"

Nea glanced at her bag and smiled wickedly. "Yes," she said slowly. "I think I can. It'll be worth it in the end."

She seemed to be looking forward to the death of Kathy so much that she hardly even winced when the Author's voice echoed:

Harry sniggered quietly into his hand. No matter how much he tried to stop her, her antics were always making him laugh. She was such a great twin to have. She had kept him from starving and depression at the Dursely house all in one by stealing from Dudley. She had taken the brunt of the physically abusive attacks from Vernon. She had kept him from ultimately going fetal these past 10 years.

"Ouch," Milano groaned and rubbed her temples. "That hurt."

"Prepare for more pain, dearie," Ekwy sighed. "Chapter change!"

**

Harold and Kathy stepped into Ollivander's wand shop in the company of Hagrid, who had joined them again. They were currently finishing off their ice-creams that the half-giant had bought them.

"Why didn't we get any ice-cream?" Milano asked, licking her lips. "Fortescue's is the best."

"We can buy some later," Ekwy said absentmindedly while she dug around in her bag. "Now where did I put those things... Ah yes!"

She triumphantly pulled out something that looked like a flesh-coloured ball of yarn. After a few minutes of fidgeting she managed to release three Extendable Ears from the ball and handed Nea and Milano one each.

"There are no places to hide in there," she explained shortly," so we'll have to use these. Oh how I love the Weasley twins!" she added cheerfully.

It was hard to see anything through the dusty window into Ollivander's, but with the Extendables, you really didn't need to see anything. Besides, they could always look at the Words if they felt like they were missing anything.

"Ah, yes. I was expecting you two," they heard Mr. Ollivander say in his mysterious voice. "The Potter twins. Harry, so much like your father, could've been twins. Except for those eyes. those are Lily's. I remember when she came in here. She bought a willow and unicorn hair wand, 10 1/4 inches, swishy. Perfect for charms. And you, Kathy, you look amazingly like her, except for those eyes. Those brown eyes are James's own. He bought a mahogany and phoenix feather wand, 11 inches, pliable, perfect for transfiguration."

"Blah blah blah," Nea muttered. "How remarkably uninteresting."

They apparently began with trying out Kathy's wand. She got the right one of the second try, a "durable yet bendy, 13 inches long wand, made out of cedar tree and dragon heart-string, perfect for potions."

"At least the wand isn't 'superspeshulOMG'," Milano said in her driest tone of voice. "But 'perfect for potions'? Didn't Snape's speech about 'no foolish wand-waving in this class' stuck in this Author's head, or what?"

"Young Harry" got his wand, which apparently was "perfect for defense and offense against the dark arts," and Ollivander held his little monologue about the other wand, the one that had given the twins their scars. He then spotted Hagrid for the first time, even though the half-giant was pretty hard to miss.

"Ah, Rubeus Hagrid! Oak, 16 inches, bendy, good for controlling wild animals, correct?"

"Why does every wand he sells have to be especially good for something?" Ekwy wondered to herself.

Milano and Nea shrugged in unison.

They managed to get the Extendable Ears back in Ekwy's bag before the 'Sue and the two canons came out of the shop again, and followed on a distance as they walked down towards the Magical Menagerie.

"Teeny charge here, but still a charge," Milano pointed out. "Harry got Hedwig at Eeylops Owl Emporium, not the Magical Menagerie."

Ekwy nodded and wrote it down. She also charged the 'Sue when she used her most innocent face to make Hagrid buy her a cat, thus making the half-giant melt.

He did buy her a cat. It was named Mackenzie.

"At least it's not a Phoenix," Milano said, trying her best to sound cheerful.

**

"We're getting really close now," Ekwy mused. "Just one more thing, and then we'll have enough to kill her."

"Thank goodness," Milano exhaled. "This constant time-jumping is getting really confusing."

They were crouching behind the chimney again, watching as Harry and Kathy were packing their things in two large trunks. They were talking about everything that had happened and about their parents when it happened.

Kathy asked her brother to pass over her notebook. Apparently she was a song-writer, and had been ever since she was eight years old.

She took out the pencil and opened the notebook, then snorted. "I almost forgot I wrote this," she said.

"Which one?" Harry leaned over.

"Castle on a Cloud," Kathy said, showing it to him.

Ekwy made a strange little choking sound, something between a gasp and a hiss. Nea and Milano looked at her strangely.

"Did she say 'Castle on a Cloud?'" the brunette coughed. "Did she?"

"Yes," Milano answered calmly. "What about it?"

Ekwy didn't answer. She stared blankly as Harry picked up the notebook and began to read.

"There is a castle on a cloud/I like to go there in my sleep/Aren't any floors for me to sweep/Not in my castle on a cloud/There is a room that's full of toys/There are a hundred boys and girls/Nobody shouts or talk to loud/Not in my castle on a cloud/There is a lady all in white/Holds me and sings a lullaby/She's nice to see and she's soft to touch/She says, "Katherine, I love you very much"/I know a place where no one's lost/I know a place where no one cries/Crying at all is not allowed/Not in my castle on a cloud."

"I. Can't. Believe. This," Ekwy growled. "I can't forking believe it."

"That was actually rather pretty," said Nea and looked at the notebook in surprise.

"Of course it's pretty!" Ekwy exclaimed, her face red with fury. "It's from Les Miserables!"

"Uh-oh," Milano mumbled, and Nea turned towards her.

"What do you mean, 'uh-oh?'" she asked, nervously.

"Ekwy is a musical-geek," Milano whispered. "Now all hell will break loose."

And it did indeed.

Ekwy, not caring if she was seen anymore, stepped up to Kathy, lifted her in her shirt and pushed her up against the wall.

"The hell you wrote that, you little twit!" she spat furiously. "It's alright if you wanted to use 'Castle on a Cloud' in this piece of trite, I can't stop you from doing that, but then you're damn well going to say who originally wrote it! It's called a disclaimer, you MORON!"

Kathy stared. Harry stared. And then Kathy said, her voice hoarse:

"Who the hell are you?"

Ekwy gnashed her teeth. "I am the ghost of badfics past," she managed to say. "And you're in deep shit, missy. No one defiles the names of Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schünberg and Herbert Kretzmer as long as Agent Ekwy Fields is around, you hear me? No one!"

She was getting a maniacal glint in her eyes by now, and her partner decided that she should interfere. After all, if Ekwy strangled Kathy right now, they would never find out what Nea had in mind for her.

"Ekwy, take it easy," she said and gently pressed down Ekwy's arms until Kathy again stood on the floor. "This is not the way to go."

"Thank you," said Kathy. "Like, I have NO idea what happened, she just like attacked me right out of the blue, just because Harry read my poem..."

"It's not YOUR poem!" Ekwy shouted, breathing heavily. "It's Cosette's poem!"

"You should just keep quiet," Milano said to Kathy, who shut up. "You have no say in this." She looked at her partner. "Eki, are you or me going to charge her?"

"I'm good, I'm good, I can do it, Mil." Ekwy took a deep breath. "Katherine 'Kathy' Potter, you are being charged with all the following crimes against canon: pushing Dumbledore, Hagrid, Harry Potter and the entire Dursley family ridiculously out of character; ignoring canon elements such as the Put-Outer; creating a winged motorbike; changing geography; changing the physiology of canon characters; ripping off scenes from the book and changing them to fit your own needs; making the Dursleys physically abusing their adopted children; being an 'Anime-freak' even though you can't possibly have access to it; naming Harry 'Harold'; making the Ministry of Magic send Hogwarts letters; making Harry Potter into a forking bit character; calling Harry 'Pothead'..."

"It's not funny, just annoying," Milano added helpfully.

"Right. Creating 'Professor Dumbledore's messenger' over here..." Ekwy nodded at PDM, who stuck out his tongue at Kathy. "Not that we really mind, he's adorable, and I think he'll be really useful around HQ. Anyway: having in-text Author's Notes; giving Hagrid back his wand for no apparent reason; making up words; making up schools; acting like a total bitch and getting away with it; having a 'perfect potions-wand'; making Harry get Hedwig at the Magical Menagerie instead of Eeylops; making Hagrid melt in front of your innocent face; and for STEALING one of my favourite songs without putting in a proper disclaimer first..."

"That's my song!" Kathy said and pouted.

"No it's not, you daft git," Ekwy hissed. "Don't interrupt me. Also, for displaying extreme stupidity and inflicting it on canon characters; for royally pissing me off; for making Nea's Lust Object look like Dennis the Menace and for being a very boring Mary-Sue indeed, you are condemned to die in Nea's very own special way that she's been keeping secret to us. Now Nea, what did you have in mind?"

Nea smiled and called PDM to her. Without a word she opened the bag, showing its contents to everyone. Kathy turned a little green, but Ekwy and Milano grinned widely.

"Nea, you are a genius," Milano said.

"She deserves every painful moment of it, for stealing 'Castle on a Cloud'," Ekwy agreed. "Not that it's going to take very long, of course. Too bad, really."

"Thank you," Nea smiled. "Now Ekwy, if you please?"

Ekwy was just about to open up a portal and take them to an open place where they wouldn't bother anyone when they remembered Harry. He just stood there, blinking stupidly.

"I'll take care of him," said Milano. "It won't take long. You guys can go down-stairs and neurolize the Dursleys."

"What about her?" Ekwy asked, pointed her thumb at Kathy.

Milano pulled out her wand. "Incarcerous!"

Ropes flew out of her wand and wrapped themselves tight around Kathy's slim body.

"She's not going anywhere," Milano smirked.

**

It didn't take them very long to make Harry and his guardians forget all that had happened, and move all of Harry's belongings down to the smallest bedroom on the top floor. They then returned to the attic and picked up Kathy before traveling by portal to a darkened Quidditch pitch.

The stars were shining brightly from the dark sky, and a lovely full moon was shining, illuminating the night.

Ekwy sighed. "It's wonderful," she whispered. "A perfect night for some... fireworks."

She grinned evilly. Kathy whimpered. The agents started to empty the bag, which contained almost fifty Galleons (all stolen from Kathy's own account at Gringotts) worth of Dr. Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks. They piled it up neatly around Kathy's feet, strapping them on using the binding spell that Milano had previously used.

When they were finally done, Kathy was barely visible behind the pile. The agents stepped back to admire their work.

"Now Ekwy, will you do the honours?" Milano asked politely, handing over her wand.

"Oh no, I'd never," Ekwy smiled charmingly and put her hands up. "You should do it, darling. It was you after all who got your Lust Object turned into Harold Potter. I suggest you do it."

"Why can't Nea do it? It was her idea after all."

They turned towards Nea, who blushed slightly. "Me?" she whispered. "Kill something? Really?"

"We think you're ready now," Ekwy nodded, smiling.

Nea solemnly took out her own wand with a grateful look at her partners. She was ready. She could do this.

"Incendio," she mumbled and pointed her wand at the fuse.

They hurried back a few metres to watch the fireworks from a safe distance. The fuse burned and that was the beginning of the most spectacular fireworks any of the agents had ever seen.

**

"That was fun." Ekwy grinned at Nea. "I knew you had it in you!"

Nea beamed. "Thank you."

"That really was amazing." Milano's face was one giant smile. "Did you see how she exploded? The glitter just rained down everywhere!"

"I didn't even know Sues could bleed that much!" Ekwy said excitedly.

"It looked like fairies, dancing over the night sky," Milano sighed dreamily. "Really pretty. And we don't have to worry about what to do with the body either."

They stepped out of the portal and into their response centre, where they were greeted by two eager minis who waved at them. (Well, Lopin clicked his pincers welcomingly.)

"Oh, my little darlings," Ekwy cooed and sat down on the floor to cuddle her minis. "Did you miss mommy? Mommy missed you too, yes she did..."

They had just introduced PDM and started to feed and nurture the tiny monsters when...

[BEEEEEEEP!!!]

"Already?" Milano groaned. "Can't we at least get a moment to breathe before going on another mission?"

"It's not a mission."

Nea had become very pale. Her hands shook slightly as she ripped the paper from the console. She read it in silence while Ekwy and Milano watched. A few moments of complete stillness passed over the response centre. When Nea finally lowered the paper a trembling smile had come over her lips. She seemed unable to speak, so Ekwy took the paper and read it out loud:

To: Agent Nea Forrest, Response Centre 506
You passed your initiation. Go to Response Centre 696 to meet your new partner.
Sunflower Official

Ekwy grinned as she lowered the paper.

"Congratulations, Agent Nea," she said. "You passed."

"I passed," Nea repeated blankly. "I... I did it. I'm getting a partner." And then the message really sunk in. "YES!"

_______
A/N: Heheh. Cliffhanger! Eh, alright, maybe not much of a cliffhanger, but it's still a cliffhanger. Huzzah!

Milano: And don't forget, kiddies, that it's NOT cool to have your fingers blown off. Leave the fireworks to the adults, and keep your distance. Remember, fire safety is important. Thank you.

That's all, folks!