DMFF - Baneful Melody

[huinesoron.livejournal.com]

[Editor's note: Story by Elvea Aure. No ownership is implied by my posting it here. See also the DMFF Main Page. ~Huinesoron]

~~~~~

'Hello?' His footsteps echoed in the empty hallway. 'Is anyone here? I came for the ad! ...I'm here for the job!' Still no reply.

He wandered further into the large corridor, feeling a bit uncomfortable. There was no form of decoration whatsoever, only a door with an odd name on it every now and then. Department of Mary Sues, Department of Bad Slash... he had no idea what they could mean. He didn't even bother to think about what the Sunflower Official could be. He kept wandering off further, but stuck to the main corridor, afraid of getting lost. In the end he found what he was looking for. Personnel.

He knocked on the door, and in his nervousness opened it straight away. He blinked. No, it was still there. He blinked again. Definitely real. He pinched himself, but the apparently oversized daisy behind the large desk in the center of the room did not disappear.

It is very rude to stare.

'Did you just say that?' he directed his question at the daisy.

Do you see anyone else here?

'No, but-'

Well then.

'Are you some kind of hologram?'

No.

The daisy seemed rather annoyed, he could now more or less see a face in it. 'I-'

...came for the ad. Yes, we heard you.

'Oh. Okay.'

You are familiar with the works of JRR Tolkien?

'Yes...'

You know what fan fiction is?

'Well, yes...'

You know what does and does not belong in Tolkien's universe?

'Uhm... yes?'

Do centaurs belong there?

'No.'

Unicorns?

'No.'

Basilisks?

'Nope.'

Do you know what a Mary Sue is?

'A what?' A small book landed next to him on the floor. He picked it up. It read: The Life and Habits of the Sue - a study by Radagast the Brown.

Your first assignment is to read that. What have you read of Tolkien's works?

'The Hobbit, when I was little, and I went to see the Fellowship of the Ring and the Two Towers at the cinema...'

I see.

A large pile of books followed the example of the previous one. Among them was Tolkien's famous trilogy, the Silmarillion, the Unfinished Tales and the complete History of Middle-earth series.

You're hired. You'll get your own room here at the Headquarters, your own office, or at least one with your partner and all meals are taken care of. I expect you to read those- the daisy actually nodded toward the books on the floor- before Sunday. Any questions?

He looked at the pile of books and gulped. 'What... what about seeing new places? And meeting new people? Exploring new worlds? The pretty girls? And my license to kill?'

It's all in. You'll understand soon enough. Good luck.

He had the feeling that saying more would be pointless and that this was his cue to leave. Although he still had no idea what exactly he was supposed to do for this... company... he still picked up all the books from the floor and carefully exited the room, trying not to let fall one of those many, many books he was holding.

~*~

That Sunday he was a different person. After he had left Personnel he had been picked up by- well, whatever the thing was, it brought him to his very own, very small and Spartanly-decorated room. He had since then only left it to eat or use the sanitary facilities and because of that he had actually managed to read everything that had been given to him. He was now wearing the black clothes that had been left for him in his room and he looked rather tired. The fact that nobody had even so much as asked him for his name probably disturbed him the most.

He let out a sigh and started walking, back to Personnel. He had no idea what else he should do. Coming into the office he found that very little had changed. Same lack of decoration. Same big desk. Same oversized daisy... yup, all there. Except that he now noticed a small item standing on the desk. It appeared to be a marble image of a breathtaking, beautiful Elven girl. He wondered what the daisy would want with a miniature Mary Sue on his desk.

You have read all the books I gave you?

'Yes...' he said, and, after a short moment of doubt, '...sir.'

Excellent. You are ready for the job now. Let me introduce you to your partner.

He blinked as the daisy pointed one of its leaves at the miniature on his desk. 'Th- that is my new partner?'

Of course. Who else?

As he looked at his "partner" incredulously, the miniature slowly started to grow and get color. After a little while a young Elven girl was sitting on the desk, and very much alive.

'A Sue...' he whispered. 'A real Sue... I'm working with a Sue?'

'Actually my name is Meneltari, but Elvea will be fine.' She smiled and stuck out her hand to him as she got down from the desk.

'Joe,' he said, 'but for you, Joey is fine. May I call you Mel?'

'No.'

'Nice to meet you, Mel.' He shook her hand.

Elvea is one of the luckier Sues. She has been left alive because she regrets her acts as a Sue and desires to help the Continuum heal from chaos, but mainly because she was the daughter of- here the daisy glared at her and continued with only a vague hint of malice- ...the daughter of Eru, therefore an immortal goddess and she simply refused to die.

'Ah.' He pulled an odd face.

She recognizes Sues better than anyone else here at Headquarters, which might do you some good. She also knows her way around already, and knows how things work here. She'll explain it all to you. Good luck.

Together they left the office and walked down the corridor, apparently headed somewhere. Joe had no idea where though, he just followed Elvea- or Mel. He looked at her, and frowned.

'Did your outfit just change?'

'No, why?' she replied.

'I could've sworn you weren't wearing black earlier...'

'I see.'

'So... are there more teams like us?'

'Various departments, yes.'

'All male-female?'

'Not all of them, no...'

'Do any of them date?'

'Not many, I believe...'

'Then what do you say we make sure that number goes up a bit?'

'No.'

She unlocked a door and they entered a small room. In it stood a table with various devices lying on it (two of each) as well as a small backpack and various other things, and one of the room's walls was hidden by a large console with various screens and buttons. Two chairs stood in front of it. The room was heated by a small Balrog-shaped stove, providing it with light as well. Joe moved to study it but she held him back.

'Don't touch him. Bormir doesn't like strangers.'

The creature confirmed this by roaring loudly. Apparently it wasn't a stove after all.

'So what do we do now?' he asked.

'We're the DMFF; the Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna. If an author inserts anything into her story that does not belong in Middle-earth we travel into the universe of that story and kill it.'

'Aha. I think I'm starting to get it now...'

'All we have to do now is wait for the alarm to go off...'

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!]

'Ooooooh,' she clapped like a demented cheerleader, 'our first assignment!'

'Actually, no. I just like to have my entree announced in style.' A female voice came from the back of the room.

'Oh,' Mel said, 'it's you.'

'It's me alright!'

'Who?' Joe asked obliviously.

'Allow me to introduce myself...' Another very beautiful Elf now became visible, although she looked somewhat... evil. Maybe it had something to do with the spiky metal armor. How she managed to still look sexy and seductive in it, only she knew. 'Endomiel Mornie-'

'Goddess of Evil...' Mel added with a sigh. 'Meet my sister.'

'Hi,' Joe smiled a seductive smile at her and stuck out his hand. 'Joe, but you can call me Joey, or God's gift to women.'

Endomiel frowned and looked at her sister questioningly. 'Didn't dad say that his gift was George Clooney?'

Mel shrugged. 'They all think they're the gift. Mr Clooney just happens to be right...'

'So... did you get to any of the fun stuff yet? You know, kill people and be evil?' Endomiel asked. Joe withdrew his hand; she wasn't going to shake it anyway.

'Not yet,' Mel replied.

'I see. I'll just be off then. I'll stop by later. Bye Bormir!' Tossing a bit of bacon at the mini-Balrog in the corner, she disappeared.

'Please, don't hurry.' Mel said irritably. She sat down in one of the two chairs and Joe followed her lead.

'Now, where were we. Right. About that date-'

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!]

Mel started pressing various buttons and the noise stopped, followed by a body of text filling two little screens. They started reading.

'Oh. My. Dad,' she gasped.

'Is that physically even possible?' Joe asked.

'I think her neck would break with all that weight...'

'I meant the wing-thing...'

Mel scanned the text to the passage he meant. 'Oh. That. I doubt it. Let's go kill it. Them.'

'Three of them...' Joe shuddered. 'They deserve to die.'

'In what shape shall we enter the universe?'

'In what shape?'

'Technically we are invisible until we undertake an action that will directly influence the story,' Mel explained, 'but the moment we become visible we have to have a shape of some sort. So... Orc, Elf, human...?'

'I look fine being human, thank you.'

She looked at the text. 'It would suit it, yes...' she gasped. 'Oh my.'

'What is it?'

'She created a mini-Universe. Remind me to report that when we get back.'

'Mini-Universe?' he didn't really understand.

'DolAmroth.'

'Ah.'

'Here, take these.' She handed him several devices from the table, and took some herself, stuffing them into a backpack along with various other items. Changing her own image a bit (from extremely beautiful even for an elf to very beautiful even for mortal men) she opened a portal. 'Bormir will stay here this time, this story only has a couple of chapters. We won't need him.' She stepped through the portal, and Joe followed her, not really sure what else to do.

They ended up in the bedroom of the Sue- Lutulivien was the name she'd taken this time. It was all rather dark, as if the story hadn't begun yet. The Sue was sort of half frozen, as if waiting for a signal. And indeed, at that very moment the Omniscient Author(TM) began speaking.

The way I worked out aging is kinda complicated so listen up:
Elves: 10 yrs is like 1yr until they're 230 (human 23), then they stop aging physically.
Psychologically speaking, they're mature from 170 on.
Half-elves: generally age 2 times slower than humans, and posses superior physical attributes (if 70, that translates into 35, and so on)

Mel glared at the air, where she pictured the author to be. 'Silly bint. She just gave all Elves a diaper-period of about 20 years!'

'Tolkien left a very good description of the aging process of Elves, Men and Half-elves; it's all in Morgoth's Ring. Why does she have to be all stupid and change that?' Joe sighed.

'For the same reason why she is saying that Lutul- oh, forget it. For the same reason why she is saying that that over there is NOT a Mary Sue.'

'She has a ridiculously long name.'

'It doesn't even mean anything. Basic Sue characteristic.'

'I know. Read the book.'

'Good.'

The Sue was coming to life now, and the two newbie-agents sat down on the floor. Mel pulled a notebook and a pen from her backpack.

'What's that for?' Joe asked.

'Charge list.'

'Ah.'

'And by the way-'

'Yes?'

'Half-elves do NOT grow on trees. There are very few of them, and they're certainly NOT in Dol Amroth. Not at the time of Prince Imrahil, anyway.' She glared at the Sue again.

Joe studied her for a moment. 'You know, she doesn't look too bad... I wonder if-' Mel whacked him over the head. 'Ouch...'

'Just pay attention.'

She shook off the feeling of coldness and looked at herself in the mirror that hanged on the wall of the bedroom. There she was, straight like a birch tree, and as one, slender and graceful. Her dark violet, simple gown was one of Imrahil's favorites, but she looked beyond it. Her raven hair was fastened in an elaborate manner on the back of head, and her olive skin gave off an opalescent glow in the flickering lights of the candles.

'Is "hanged" even proper English?' Joe wondered aloud.

'What I'd like to know,' Mel replied, 'is how she can have an opalescent glow when she has olive skin. Shouldn't she be pale if she wanted such a glow?'

'Yes, but a Sue is special.'

'This is going on the list.'

'What have we got so far?'

'After the author's notes and the first eight paragraphs?'

'Yes?'

'Well, let's see. Breaking the canon by altering the aging of the species, making it seem as though Half-elves are just as common as normal Elves, being a Mary Sue, painful grammar and doubtful spelling... technical improbability such as olive skin with opalescent glow, hurting the eyes of the agents with that... giving the character a ridiculous name...'

'Is that a crime?'

'Yes.'

'But the grammar isn't that bad...'

'Just you wait...' Mel said gloomily. Joe shuddered.

The blood of the dark Haradrims flowed in her veins, causing her to be more of a human by nature.

'Haradrims?' Joe frowned. 'Isn't Haradrim in itself plural already?' Mel nodded. 'Here's one for the list: author displaying extreme stupidity by pluralizing a plural word.'

'Got it.' They watched how the scene went on, horror written on their faces.

She allowed her hair to fall freely to the ground by removing just a single pin. It rolled down like a wave almost crashing against the shore of the wooden floor, reflecting all light around. Many believed her hair to be the most astonishing in the kingdom and that was not without reason; it was truly beautiful, long, soft, and thick.

'Amazing.' Joe sniggered. 'All that hair and she needs only one pin to secure it...'

'I stick to my point. She should've broken her neck. Thick and long hair, crashing down all of a sudden... her head should've snapped backwards...'

'Maybe you can use it in a creative way when we kill her.'

A wicked grin spread over the former Sue's face. 'Can I have her? You can have the other ones...'

'Deal.'

The scene continued and Prince Imrahil entered the room. A rather corny conversation followed, Joe and Mel tried to ignore it as much as possible.

A lie, she thought, the Haradrim part of me.

'Ah. The books suddenly make sense to me. The Haradrim are all liars. They're one big people in one bloody big land and it is perfectly fine if you use the collective name in a possessive tense.' Mel made some rather violent gestures with her hands. 'Stupid, incompetent author. Tolkien only used Haradrim collectively as a name for all the peoples of the south. Some of them even have Numenorean blood, and surely some have nobler purposes than war and betrayal. Not only is the author completely daft, she also thinks in a shallow way and thereby makes her Sue shallow!'

'Done ranting?'

'Yes.' She read on, and ignored that one phrase in archaic English that made even the original character of the author fall out of character. She held it to be the daftness of the author. 'We should leave. I do not wish to be there when the rating climbs with overbearing cheesiness.'

'Where do we go then?' Joe asked.

'A couple of hours from now; outside. The Sue will have a rather amusing fall out of a tree and I want to see it.'

'What do we do about Imrahil?'

'Leave him here. He's not too much out of character. The author just messed with his family tree, as you will notice. Didn't you notice that he and the Sue have no children?'

'Children? Lothiriel! And then- Eomer has no wife, and no heir...'

'Exactly. She took Eomer's pookie. And if you mess with Eomer, you mess with me.' She once again glared at the Sue.

'His pookie?'

'We're leaving.' Mel grimly opened the portal and stepped through, dragging Joe along. They ended up in the stone city Dol Amroth, despite the fact that Dol Amroth was really a region.

'The Daft One messed up some cities.' Mel leaned against the mighty oak tree that was in the middle of the city, even though the author had just stated the city lacked growing things.

'Let me guess... this should be Gondolin.'

'Gondolin was more beautiful but yes, as far as I know it was the only city that was known as Stone City.'

Moments later Lutulivien came into sight and quietly climbed the Mighty Oak Tree in mere seconds. This despite the fact that it was big and high and mighty.

Oh, what is it with me? Why does my heart weigh me down so today? And why is it about Imrahil; I love him so. So many other men I could have been betrothed to, but fate had it, it was the Prince of Dol Amroth himself-and I learned in time to love him as if he were predestined to be the one whom I waited for since I have been but a child. I should thank Goddess for such a bless... What is it; that I smell? It is somewhat familiar.

'The pain... the horror... the bad grammar... the misusing of words...' Mel croaked in agony.

'I think she just replaced the deities of Middle-earth for some Goddess figure. She completely ignores Eru and the Valar!' Joe glared at the Sue. 'Do me a favor Mel, whatever you do to her, make sure it's slow and painful.'

'Trust me, I will.'

A new figure now appeared, and laid himself down underneath the tree.

That ancient scent of leather, where do I remem-

Lutulivien came crashing down the tree and landed right on top of the newcomer, in a very inelegant way to Mel's great delight.

She sniggered. 'She doesn't even need me to get hurt...'

A dull conversation followed, in which it turned out that the man was named Irean and the brother of Imrahil. At this point Mel was fuming with anger.

'She completely ignores Finduilas! Doesn't she even exist here? Without Imrahil's sister there is no Boromir, no Faramir... and Frodo might never have left the Fellowship at Amon Hen because he was never attacked by Boromir! The Ring might have survived!' Joe covered her mouth.

'Fool! They can hear you!' he hissed. The characters ignored the noise though, and Lutulivien never saw the death-glare sent in her direction by one mightily pissed off agent.

'Do you not age twice slower than an ordinary man, are you not superior to him mentally and physically, do you not have a better understanding of the world?! Is not a part of you Elven?!' Lutilivien flipped her astonishing hair in irritation. Irean's sincere, deep laughter resembled the sound of bells.

Joe let go of Mel, feeling quite sure now. He was wrong. 'Oh, so apparently this Irean is a Half-elf too... gee, why don't we go and wreck canon again...' Venom dripped from her words. 'Then I take it Imrahil is a Half-elf too... how does she just flip all that hair anyway?' She glared at Irean, who at that point proposed to go sit on the tree.

'On the tree?' Lutulivien asked.
"On the tree."

'That should be an interesting sight...' Joe smirked. Of all the author's stupidities this had to be his favorite.

Once again the author managed to have her characters up the Mighty Oak Tree in about five seconds. Joe and Mel carefully followed after the two Half-elves, listening to the conversation that developed from there.

'I even forgot by how much he was younger than me...' Irean murmured to himself, but Lutilivien picked up on it.
'How much?'
'Oh, ten years.' Irean's thoughts drifted away for a while. 'I cannot believe it has already been twenty years...How old were you?'

'Oh sure, go ahead, mess up all Tolkien's logic once again, not like you didn't do that already.' Mel looked as if she was about to strangle Irean. 'After all, Imrahil is only of high Numenorean descent, and therefore it is absolutely logical if his father ignored the ancient Numenorean law and gave the rule of Dol Amroth not to his eldest son, but to his second. Irean couldn't have existed as an older brother in whichever scenario you wish to come up with.' The conversation went on.

'One hundred and eighty.'
'Hmm...young, very young.'
'My birthday was just three weeks prior. I had to be mature by law.' Irean sighed, but did not interrupt her. 'I have never had seen Imrahil before...They told me I was 'chosen'. They told me it was 'great honor'. They put me in a confining dress, weighed my hair with jewels...'
'Aye...I remember the ceremony.... And you, the most beautiful and sad woman I have ever seen.
'I was so frightened. A wild child who was about to become a wife. I remember it so well. I was trembling, I could not even speak.' She suddenly turned her exotic, beautiful face to him.

'Beautiful and exotic. But not a Mary Sue. Oh no.' Joe was more than slightly annoyed now.

'And forced into marriage, too. How cliche. I'd hate to break the news to her, but they didn't do those things in Middle-earth.' Mel glared yet again. They listened to the conversation a little while longer, pushing their patience to the very limit.

'Mirkwood?!' she could not believe her ears, 'Only dwarves and Dunedains could even compare with their fighting skills, so why would...' a memory flashed back at her.

'Mirkwood warriors are NOT the most skilled warriors in the world, you... you... dotard!' Mel shouted. Joe whacked her over the head as the two characters looked up to see what it could be they had heard. Joe and Mel retreated into the shadows.

'Idiot.' Joe hissed. 'They can hear us, remember?! I already told you that!'

'But the Noldor are the best warriors! And "Dunedains" is just plain stupid. Dunedain is plural already, and in singular form it's Dunadan. The idiot. This has gone on way too long. Let's kill it. You can have the should-be-prince.'

'Wait- how do I kill him? He looks strong...'

Mel rummaged through her backpack and took out a small bottle. 'Here. Make sure he has a sip of that. Don't drink it yourself.'

'What is it?'

'Deadly.' She stepped forward and addressed to Lutulivien. 'Good evening, my lady. What are you doing out here?'

'Who are you?'

'I'm the new handmaid. The Prince thought that you might have use for one... I came to search for you, I could not find you- my, you have beautiful hair! I would love to work with that... may I?' She reached to touch it.

Lutulivien smiled proudly. 'I am known to have the most beautiful hair in the world...'

'Hm-mmm...' Mel started braiding it, making sure the hair was put tightly together, occasionally "accidentally" pulling very hard. It still proved quite the job, as Lutulivien had a lot of hair.

Joe now came to sit next to Irean. 'Are you- you seem familiar... do I know you?'

Irean didn't look at him, but kept a close watch on Mel and Lutulivien. 'I doubt it. I haven't been in these parts for years.'

'You look like the prince...' Joe got the small bottle from behind his back and feigned to take a sip of it. 'Are you related to him somehow?'

'I find it quite remarkable,' Irean sent him a piercing gaze, 'that you and that maiden managed to find us, even here in this tree, without even us hearing you approach.'

'You were engaged in conversation, lord, you could've missed some things...' Joe took another fake sip as Irean settled for that answer.

Joe held out the bottle to him. Not entirely trusting him, but in for some nice liquor, Irean took the bottle from Joe and took a nice swig. He handed back the bottle. Moments later Irean's eyes grew big in surprise and his hands flung to his heart in pain. He started shuddering. Mel, hearing the familiar sound, looked up from her task.

'Charge him, Joe,' she said dryly and continued braiding. Lutulivien looked at Irean in fear and moved to get up and aid him, but Mel pulled her back down, still firmly holding on to the hair. 'Sit. You're not going anywhere, dearie.' She happily continued braiding.

'Irean of Dol Amroth,' Joe started, 'it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with the following crimes: changing the social conventions and structures of a canonical society by being Imrahil's older brother, and hereby altering the known backstory of prince Imrahil, this solely for the benefit of the story-' Irean cried out in pain. Joe kicked him. 'Quiet you, I wasn't done yet. You have also been charged with causing events to eventuate solely for the benefit of the original character without regard to canon plotlines, having a random and meaningless name, having an unbearably nice voice when laughing, being a Half-elf in spite of canon, for ignoring metaphysical logics by climbing a tree in five seconds or so and last of all you annoy me. On these crimes stands the penalty of death. Any last words?'

'Grauhghrshlugh...' no sensible things would come from his mouth.

'Okay then...' Joe left him to die in agony and calmly sat down beside Mel. 'Done yet?'

'Almost.'

'What are you going to do to me?' Lutulivien asked fearfully.

'Done!' Mel said triumphantly. She fastened the braid with a piece of rope that Joe fished out of her backpack. 'You hold her.' Joe did as he was told and grabbed Lutulivien's arms. Mel now wrapped the hair tightly around the Sue's oh-so-delicate neck a few times. A few gurgling sounds were heard. 'Lutulivien, I must inform you that you have been charged with changing the social conventions and structures of a canonical society by being forced into a marriage with Imrahil and hereby altering his known history, in this same way taking away Eomer's pookie-'

'I still think that "pookie" is disturbing.' Joe interrupted.

'Silence. Where was I? Ah! That means that you have been causing events to eventuate solely for the benefit of the original character without regard to canon plotlines. You are also charged for employing sickening melodramatics, for displaying Mary Sue-like qualities, for being a Mary Sue, for displaying incredible stupidity and shallowness, for breaking canon by inserting new deities and ignoring the existing ones, to ignore all logic left by having olive skin but glowing opalescent, for hurting our eyes with that, for abuse of the English language and with that making our ears bleed, for ignoring the laws of metaphysics by climbing a massive tree in five seconds, then falling out and not breaking anything and for annoying me to Mordor and back.' She tied a nice knot in the hair at the back of Lutulivien's neck, then she tied the end of the hair to a thick branch. 'Any last words?'

'What is this you speak of? I don't underst-' Lutulivien still managed to produce but was interrupted by Mel.

'Nope, nothing important. Byebye, then...' she pushed Lutulivien away from her. With a shriek she fell down, only to stop a moment later when a sickening snap was heard. 'I knew that long, thick and strong hair would be good for something...' Mel grinned.

A smirk crept onto Joe's face. 'Guess it broke her neck after all...'

'Now what to do with the bodies?'

'Hmmm... say, would Shelob still be alive?'

'I don't know... but there's only one way to find out...' Mel untied the knot around the branch and with a soft thud the body fell to the ground. Joe conveniently let Irean fall on top of her. They climbed down and Mel fished a small dagger out of her backpack. 'Very convenient items, those backpacks,' she mumbled, 'the things you can stuff them full with...' She freed all the hair and cut it off as close to the head as possible.

'What did you do that for?' Joe asked.

'Very thick and strong hair. Who knows when it comes in handy...'

Joe opened the portal. 'Off to Shelob's Lair it is, then...' Mel wrapped the hair about her neck like a shawl; it didn't fit into her backpack altogether. She then grabbed Lutulivien's arms and dragged her through the portal, following after Joe and Irean. They ended in total darkness and let go off the bodies.

'Let's leave. I don't want to wait for Shelob to arrive.'

'Back to Headquarters, then?'

'No. We still didn't get what we came for. We need to destroy the evilest creation of all.'

'Right.' Joe set the portal and they stepped through. They were now in a sunny clearing, not far from a body of water. Perhaps the sea, but the text did not tell them and they refused to go and find out. Two figures lay sleeping there; the one was prince of Mirkwood, the other was covered by a large blanket. They quietly sat down in the shadow of the trees.

Legolas gave a mighty yawn and stretched on the grass.
'Humph! Long time no sleep.' He murmured to himself, and comfortably moved his body into a sitting position against the tree he had just been sleeping under. 'Palan!!!'
There was a blanket a few yards away from him, obviously holding somebody underneath it. At the call, the body under the blanket stirred, and almost immediately strongly disheveled blue-ink hair emerged from under the blanket.
'Whatta ya want?!'
Legolas frowned slightly, 'Water, Palan, I want wa-ter.'

Mel grabbed for her Canon Analysis Device and held it in Legolas' direction.

[Legolas, canon character, character disruption: 81%]

'Good thing I had it on mute,' she mumbled, 'because this is ridiculous. 81%! Legolas treating someone as a slave! Elves simply do not do that, certainly not one like him... the poor thing...' She glared in the direction of the blue-haired Palan, Joe was already doing this.

'Unbelievable. Inserting some kind of anime figure just because the author thinks he's a hottie. With a ridiculous name, not to mention the blue hair! Let alone that his use of language is so not Middle-earthish.'

The blanket was thrown forcefully at his face.
'Oh, that's just fine for you to say! You don't have to drag those damned buckets to the stream and back!' a young, handsome man of seemingly barely twenty was rubbing his eyes sleepily.
'Not 'drag' to and forth, fly to and forth.' Legolas got up and threw a shirt over his bare, muscular shoulders. 'Besides, are you not my apprentice?'

'Oxford English Dictionary's definition of the word "apprentice": learner of a trade who has agreed to work for a number of years in return for being taught. I do not think that being treated like a slave is a part of that agreement, nor do I believe that Elves have a society in which apprentices are normal. I've never heard of an Elf with an apprentice...' Joe cited out of nowhere.

'And I have never heard of an Elf putting on a shirt. A tunic, fine... but a shirt?' Mel slammed her head against the treetrunk as quiet as she could.

'Exactly.' The young man's lavender eyes sparkled deviously.
With lightning speed he reached for his dagger and threw it straight at Legolas' chest, but the elf caught it gracefully in midair. Both drew their swords and clashed mid distance from where they each of them was standing.

'Since when do Wood-elves fight with swords?' Joe asked. 'They're the Elves of the bow and spear; and Legolas happens to use some knives in battle. He most certainly does not carry a sword around.'

The Elf and the... nymph, as the author called it, continued to spar for a while. Eventually Legolas managed to get his sword at Palan's throat.

'Not bad...' Legolas released the irritated companion. 'Now go get the water.' Palan shrugged and suddenly a pair of enormous silver wings burst out of his back. Angered, he picked up the two empty buckets from the leaf-covered ground and rose nimbly into the air murmuring to himself.

'Wings? A nymph with wings?!' Mel blinked, and slammed her head against the treetrunk some more. 'Apparently *someone* has no idea whatsoever what the difference between a nymph and an oversized pixie is! Nymphs do NOT have wings! Exactly how stupid is she? Inserting a new race into Middle-earth, but without even really knowing what kind of creature it is?' she started choking the tree.

'What a spirit...' Legolas smirked to himself and turned to stringing his precious bow.

Joe raised an eyebrow. 'His precious bow? Is that as in the Almighty Bow of Power, then?'

'Let's follow that thing, and kill it,' Mel proposed. Joe nodded and they left Legolas behind in the clearing. Killing something was much easier without dangerous Elven warriors around. They found Palan filling the buckets of water in a large pool not far from the clearing. Joe darkly mumbled something about buckets not belonging in Middle-earth.

'You have super-goddess powers, right?' Joe asked.

'I promised not to use them anymore...'

'Well, you see, I had this idea... you could put a spell on that hair and pretend to be what's-her-face. He'll recognize you as her and be distracted. Then I come up from behind him and kill him. We can't beat him in battle, unless you know how to produce fireballs or something from your hand.'

'Makes sense.'

'Can you lend me your dagger? I forgot to bring my own stuff...'

'I noticed.' She handed him the dagger and unwrapped her "shawl". Knowing that she'd probably get in trouble for it, she whispered a few words and the hair started to attach to her own, then became her own. A few moments later she had transformed into Lutulivien. She stepped forward. 'Palan? Is it you, really you?' It was incredible how much a voice could change with just a simple spell. The oversized pixie turned around and smiled in delight.

'Lutulivien!' he exclaimed.

'How does he manage to pronounce it?' Joe mumbled.

'Lutulivien! I thought I'd never see you again!' he ran toward her, dropping the buckets. Mel smiled as she saw Joe quietly coming upon him from behind. 'I thought we'd be separated forever! Who would've thought-'

'Excuse me Palan, I have to tell you something. I'm terribly sorry to interrupt.' Mel laid a hand on his shoulder. He smiled at her.

'That's okay.'

'Really? Great. I then hereby charge you with changing the physiology of a nymph because you have wings, being a nymph in the first place, changing the social conventions and structures of a canonical society by being apprentice of Legolas despite the fact that Elves know no such thing, being part of a seriously lame plot and displaying Mary Sue-like powers, having a completely un-Middle-earthish name, speaking inappropriately for any race in Middle-earth, for displaying extreme stupidity AND for causing Legolas to act stupid, for possessing items not belonging in Middle-earth, causing serious personality alterations and character ruptures to Legolas and for annoying the hell out of us.'

'Us?' Palan asked confusedly. At that exact moment Joe thrust the dagger into Palan's back and he fell lifeless to the ground.

'Nice job.' Mel smiled at him in approval. 'Where did you learn how to thrust it with so much strength?'

'If I'd tell you that, I'd lose my air of mystery,' he grinned.

'What air of mystery?'

'Never mind,' he sighed, and started to cut the wings from Palan's back.

'What do you need those for?'

'Like you said; they might come in handy. If not for a mission then for decoration of Headquarters.'

'Good point.' She released herself from her spell and turned back into the human form she had taken for the mission. 'How long will you need?'

'Not long. They're only attached to the body at one point... done.' Joe rose and carefully folded the wings.

'You've got blood on your outfit.' Mel noted.

'I take it that the laundry services at Headquarters are capable of dealing with that. After all, there are more Departments.'

'True.' She opened the portal for the last time and was about to step through when she realized something. 'Wait- what do we do with the body?'

'Shelob?'

'No, she already got two.'

'You know, I've always wanted to see Mount Doom. Or actually, since I saw the movies. Why not cast him into the fire?'

'Works for me...'

And thus the couple made a small detour to Orodruin. Maybe a little hotter there than they had expected, but it was worth the sight. Besides, who wouldn't want to see what happens when you throw a body into hot, boiling lava? Exactly.

From Mount Doom they headed straight back to Headquarters and received a hot welcome-back roar from Bormir. Mel dumped her backpack on the table, followed by the shawl of hair, then she sat down and watched as Joe unfolded his new and unique nymph-wings. He laid them spread out on the table and came standing next to Mel. He put his hand on her shoulder.

'You know... now that we successfully ended our first mission, why not celebrate it over a nice dinner for two?'

She jumped up. 'I still have to report that mini-Universe to the Sunflower Official! I'll be right back!' she rushed out of the room.

'That's a yes, right?' he called after her, but no reply came. 'I'll just take it as a yes, then.' He mumbled.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

'Oh, bugger.'

~*~

[A/N: So much for the first mission... I quite enjoyed writing this, really. And I was lucky to find such a bad fic right away, too. Because really, it was terrible. Endomiel, by the way, is an existing author, and I used her character with her permission. She'll be turning up some more, I think, but that's not clear yet. Anyway, I do not claim to own Middle-earth nor do I own any of its canon, t all came from JRR Tolkien's brilliant mind. Joe and Mel ARE mine, though, so don't steal them. Borrowing is allowed, as long as I know about it. I'd also appreciate feedback; preferably in the form of constructive criticism. Flames will be laughed at and then put to good use. Thank you.]